Penal Code
by BellaFlan
Summary: Undercover Cop Edward Cullen wants some excitement on his beat. Bella, whom he mistakenly thinks is a hooker, desperately needs to snap out of her funk. How deep is Edward willing to go undercover to get the girl? COLLAB with FICTIONFREAK95! AH/Comedy
1. Chapter 1

**A/N – Ohai! This is a little bit of fun I wrote with one of my favourite ladies, fictionfreak95 (or whatever name she's going by these days!). You can find her under my fave author list. Check out Jo's stuff because she's awesome, and I love her!**

**SUMMARY: **Undercover Cop Edward Cullen wants some excitement on his beat. Bella, whom he mistakenly thinks is a hooker, desperately needs to snap out of her funk. How deep is Edward willing to go undercover to get the girl?

**Betas:** Suebee, mac, and pre-read by Perrymaxed

**Additional Notes:** Please note the word "come" also appears as "cum" depending on the POV.

**EDWARD POV**

"I've got an ASP in my sights; I'm gonna follow along and make a collar." I actually chuckled quietly to myself as I said it. This whole undercover thing was gonna take some getting used to. Being a cop for quite a few years, I wasn't exactly new to the workload, but I'd just been promoted recently and was a little gung-ho, so to speak.

"You know, you could just say _hooker,_ Edward."

_Alice. _ My sister. And never a dull moment. She'd recently gotten her masters in criminal justice. She could have taken the test years ago like I had, but she was a perfectionist. Unlike me. "Now what kind of learning opportunity would that allow you? You have to know your acronyms for your test next week."

"You're such a hard ass. Do you ever _not _talk shop?"

"Being a police officer is a privilege, Alice. I'm honored to talk shop twenty-four-seven."

_Not._

I mean, not that I didn't love my job. I totally loved my job. It's just... you know, sometimes hard to meet people when you're working double shifts to make ends meet.

Another reason the promotion was a good thing. Another reason I was a little overzealous about my collar for the evening.

"You're right; I'm sorry." She feigned regret. "But then again, maybe if you got laid a little more often, you'd have more to talk about."

_Ugh. Not this again._

"You know it's gross, right? This unhealthy obsessive interest you have in my sex life?"

"Shut _up_. That's what sisters are for."

_Really?_

"People are gonna start thinking you have some sick and twisted crush on me or something."

She hacked out a disgusted sound. "Edward."

"Then there's gonna be rumors about _incest_… and just, _ew_."

"Edward _Anthony_ Cullen."

I laughed. She was so easy to fuck with. "Okay, okay. I gotta go for real, though. My shift is up in about an hour, and I wanna bag a bitch before the night's over."

"Maybe she takes credit cards."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm out."

"Ten-four."

I watched my perp as I hung up with little sis. _Definitely whoring it. _ She had all the right pieces of clothing for it, and I wondered if there was some store they all shopped at or something. You know, like _Party City_ only, maybe an underground online distributor like_ Sell This Pussy dot com_, or somethin' like that.

I appraised the outfit she wore, figuring she had to have pulled in some big bucks in just one night.

'Cause honestly, it showed off all the right assets in my opinion.

Low neck line, high skirt hem. _Fishnets._ And don't even get me started on the heels. _Although they did show off the sweet legs she had. _ She had to work out on a daily basis because calf muscles like that are just not achieved while you're flat on your back with a dick up your pussy.

Know what I mean?

Make-up wasn't too bad, either, if make-up was your thing. But the hair. _Oy._

Of course, not that I minded a little up-do shiznit. I could totally and completely imaging pulling on that long-as-fuck pony tail she had goin' on, holding her brown locks tied together.

_Okay, Cullen. Not what this is about._

Maybe Alice was right. Maybe I needed to get laid. Maybe then I wouldn't be sitting here fantasizing about hookers who've probably been banged by at _least_ a dozen men. _Over the course of a weekend_.

I shivered a little.

Bringing Alice's name into the fantasy did nothing for the situation. That combined with the hard time I'd just given her about incest and inappropriate amounts of knowledge she had on the amount of action my dick had been getting lately? Not good.

Shaking off all thoughts of brother-sister love shacks, I pulled the cruiser into a parking spot. Sometimes it was a whole hell of a lot easier to bust a Peen Prompter on foot, and they didn't see you coming.

No pun intended.

**BELLA POV - **_Earlier that day..._

I looked like a costume shop hooker, which was a fair assessment since I bought the outfit from an actual costume shop, but dude...

"I'm gonna punch you in the tit, Alice."

"Why? You look hot. If I wasn't working tonight I'd totally dress as your pimp." She cupped my breast. "Don't be freaked out."

My hands itched to form a fist and throw down, but I suspected she could take me. And I guess she meant well and shit.

"I think you need double-sided tape. I can see pink."

"Uh . . ." I didn't want to be rude or anything, but her hand was still on my breast.

"Hey, now that you're single, do you want to-"

"I'm not into chicks," I said as politely as possible, wriggling to get her to move her tiny yet annoyingly probing hand.

"Not me, silly. My-"

"I'm not ready for this, Alice . . . to go out in public, I mean. Jake and I just broke up last week. This doesn't feel right." I grabbed her by the wrist and yanked her hand off my rack. "And this idea was stupid. Who the fuck has a Vicars and Vixens themed party anyway?"

"Rose is Catholic. She's also a bit of a freak, if you know what I mean." She waggled her eyebrows like Groucho Marx.

Yeah, I knew what she meant.

Rosalie Hale was one of my best friends, which a lot of people didn't understand because _a lot of people_ - people who didn't know me - wrongfully assumed I was shy, whereas Rose was outgoing and opinionated. I wasn't shy at all. In fact the people who knew me best, knew how much I rambled inanely. I was also very opinionated . . . I just didn't see the point of sharing my opinion with a lot of people. You know, on account of them sucking and all.

I guess you could say I'd lost faith in a lot of people.

Shit, my inner dialogue sounded like a cunt. There's a chance I was depressed.

"I'm not going. Tell Rosalie I'm sick or something."

"That's not very nice, Bella. And there's no way she'll believe you." Alice's tongue made a clicking noise. Rose claimed Alice went down on her once in college, and her tongue had preternatural skills in the art of cunnilingus. I'd have to take her word for it. All her tongue ever did to me was tsk.

"Stop doing that freaky tongue thing. I'm still not going."

"Okay, fine," Alice relented. "You can sit at home and masturbate to pictures of Gordon Ramsay while your ex-boyfriend fucks real men."

"Oh my fuck, there's so much wrong with what you just said," I whined, looking down at my legs. Huh. Clad in ripped fishnet, my knobby knees almost looked vaguely hot. "I don't masturbate to pictures of Gordo - he needs to be yelling at a chef, calling him a lowly maggot, in order for me to come."

"Right . . . because that's perfectly normal." She had the audacity to roll her eyes, her tongue still clicking wildly.

"It's my thing; you don't have to understand it." I shrugged. "And do you think Jake's fucking men already? I mean, he only came out of the closet last week." It sucked ass. I really wanted to hate him, but I couldn't. He would have continued with the charade of being straight forever if it made me happy - he really wanted me to be happy.

It was time to nut up, though. I mean, he vehemently denied it, of course, but straight guys just didn't do some of the shit Jake did - like shop and listen to _The Best of Idina Menzel on Broadway _and bleach their bunghole. Straight guys didn't check out other straight guys while their straight girlfriends thought they weren't looking. Straight guys weren't afraid to touch pussy, and Jake always observed mine with suspicion . . . like it would bite or some shit.

It quite literally took me and three firemen to drag him out of a flaming closet . . . but I digress.

"I'd certainly be tapping random ass. I mean, just imagine the ten years of pent-up sexual frustration he's endured. You can't really blame him for at least trying to get his pole waxed."

"Gah, stop!" I hopped off my bed and opened the bedroom door so I could look at myself in the full length mirror on the other side of it. My body was actually kind of okay in this garb. My hair was all kinds of ridiculous though.

"Almost perfect!" Alice beamed.

"Almost . . . can you fix it?"

"No."

"Why not? Maybe if you brush it out a bit."

Alice shook her head. "The problem isn't your hair, Bella. It's your psyche. No amount of mascara is going to paint away all that pain."

Oh my god, what a bitch!

No, not really . . . I hated it when she was right, though. And she usually _was _right.

**EDWARD POV**

"Hi there."

I decided to play it cool... you know, reel her in then slap the cuffs on her when she asked for the money.

Except that... she ignored me.

So I increased my speed a little and caught up to her. "Um... helllooooo."

She eyed me funny. "Yeah?"

"In a hurry?"

"Sort of . . . is there something I can help you with?"

"Depends. Are you offering to help me with something?"

"Um, not really. Hey, there's something in your pants!"

_High priced _hooker, maybe.

Wait... "In my..."

I looked down. Shit.

"Oh my god, is that a gun?"

"Depends on your definition of _gun._" I winked for her. She was kinda cute. As far as hookers go, that is.

"Well . . . can you kill me with that thing? Is it regulation size?"

"I'm pretty sure regulation isn't the word I would use for it. As far as killing you... I try not to hurt pretty women with big hair these days unless I absolutely have to... or they ask me to... which isn't really the norm."

"It is too big, isn't it? I knew the hair was awful. God, I suck."

Oh shit, was she gonna cry? _Do hookers cry?_ I'd collared hookers on the beat before, but they never _cried... _and this was different... I was supposed to be covert and shit. What the fuck was I doing anyway? "Hey now, I didn't say I didn't like it... It's kinda... Bea Arthur-ish really."

Oh my god. Bea Arthur? Seriously?

"She was such a handsome woman."

"She really was."

Why were we talking about Bea Arthur?

"Look, I'm really nervous. I don't do this very often . . ."

I mumbled, "that makes two of us."

"I know I look ridiculous. Like a slutty octogenarian."

"I'm sorry - a what?"

What the fuck was an octogen...whatever the fuck she just said?

She giggled. "Old . . . like the very handsome Bea Arthur. You're kind of cute, by the way."

I had to laugh. She was not only a high priced hooker, but smart, witty and... "You're kinda cute too, you know..." for a hooker.

"Oh! You don't have to say that. I know I look ridiculous. I'm on my way to this . . . thing."

Here we go. Sorry, I can't talk right now. I need to go bang a few patrons of the night.

"Well, maybe I could walk you? I mean, it's kinda dangerous this side of town."

What. The fuck. Was I doing? _Arrest her already._

"Well, actually . . . I don't really have to go. I mean, if you wanted to do something instead . . . uh, I'm such a complete spazz."

_Dude. She's into you. She's cancelling appointments for you... go with it._

"I'm in. Wanna... grab... something?"

Oy. This is where I would normally ask her to get coffee with me. I was completely out of my element... what exactly did one ask a hooker to go _do_?

Oh.

Right.

"Sure! I mean, I'm not exactly dressed for The Plaza or anything, but . . . you know, I'd kill for a pudding cup."

Pudding cup? Was that like hooker code for cum on my face or something?

"Um... okay."

"With cream."

_Definitely code for cum on my face._

"Well, there's this... place... I mean, my place... it's not far... and I think I have... _pudding._"

"Yes! I love random pudding! I think you just saved my night. Uh . . . I don't know your name, sorry." She frowned.

"Oh, right." _Idiot._

I stuck my hand out because, well, I didn't exactly know how hookers and their johns typically introduced themselves... and I smiled. "Edward. I'm Edward Cu... Masen."

_No real names, dude. Probably not proper "John" protocol._

"Your last name is _CUM_asen?"

"Masen, just Masen. Edward... Masen. Yep, that's me." _ Oh, for the love of piss._

"I'm Bella cum-Swan." She winked.

I choked, laughing. "You can't be serious."

"Nah, never accuse me of being serious. It hardly ever happens. I mean, just look at what I'm wearing."

I hated to say it. I mean, I never really got to know a hooker before, but I was starting to like this girl. She was really... fun.

"Well, I won't call you serious if you promise not to call me your daddy," I tried to joke. Shit, why was I so nervous all of a sudden?

"Uh, because that's not weird at all. Tell me, do I make you nervous, _CUM_masen?"

"Me?" I waved a hand at her. "Nah. Oh look, there's my building."

And fuck me... she was gonna see my mailbox when we passed through the lobby. And it definitely _wasn't _going to say _CUM_masen on it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck a duck.

"Cool. Um, you should know I don't usually do this sort of thing . . . it's just, I mean, I've just had a really rough couple of weeks, and I could really use some pudding."

She did look a little down... I mean, when she wasn't cracking jokes at my expense.

"Well, I think my _pudding_ should perk you up a little." I elbowed her lightly.

Seriously.

What the fuck was I gonna do with her up in my apartment? Wait for her to ask for the money? Arrest her? Then her pimp would know where I live. Next thing ya know, I'd be getting death threats for the rest of my career.

_I'm gonna have to move after this._

"I have a feeling it will. Thanks, by the way . . . "

"For?"

"I don't know. Look, you should probably know I'm not in a great place emotionally at the moment since you've invited a random stranger into your home. I just- you seem so nice and sweet, and I really needed to not be going to the place I was on my way to tonight. Sorry for being so cryptic and rambly. I just really appreciate your hospitality." She paused and took my hand, looking into my eyes as if she had something important to say. "I've always depended upon the kindness of strangers," she drawled and then proceeded to giggle.

And man, could she babble. She was like the babbling hooker... kinda like the travelling gnome, only … dirty.

I couldn't giving her a look like she was crazy, but I hoped my words would override the rudeness. I nodded and gave her my best impression of a Southern gentleman's bow. "Well, I'm happy to oblige Miss Cum-Swan."

I opened the door to the lobby for her and sorta did this highly awkward shuffle past the mailboxes, then pushed the button for my floor on the elevator, and we both stood there, silently, staring at everything but each other all the way up.

That is until Francis the farter got on at floor five.

No fucking lie, that dude could empty a room in, like, three point seven seconds flat.

He let one rip as soon as he got on, and Bella the hooker and I, tried our best but couldn't stifle the chuckles and shoulder bobbing behind poor Francis' back.

By the time we arrived at the eighth floor, my side was hurting from the silent laughter I couldn't seem to control and when Francis finally left, we did our best to breathe during our feeble attempt to air the tiny box.

By the time we arrived at _my _floor, the top that is, I was nervous.

Again.

I didn't understand how she was making me feel that way. Maybe it was part of her _thing_, ya know? Laying the charm on thick, making men let their guard down? I don't know. But damn, she was good.

At my door, I slid the key into the lock and turned it, swallowing hard. When I went to say something to her, something along the lines of _this really isn't normal for me_. Bringing hookers back to my apartment so I can arrest them? Ya know?

She kissed me.

It was sudden and hard and like she was needy.

Really. _Really _needy. Like her hands were feeling around places that hadn't been touched in a while, and, quite frankly, I was afraid of a little pre-ejaculation making an appearance.

I tried to break us apart. "Sh...shouldn't we negotiate terms? Or... something before we do this?" I asked, hoping to get the pricing out of her so I could get myself out of an extremely bad-for-my-career situation, but then part of me didn't want it to happen at all.

Part of me was having this really bizarro Richard Gere, Julia Roberts fantasy play out in my mind where I took her on my piano and then saved her from a life of hooking.

Only I wasn't some ridiculously rich dude who could do something like that.

It wasn't like I had anything more to offer her than what she probably already had. Except you know, a life free of hooking and all.

"Terms?" she murmured as her fingers pulled at the button of my jeans and fidgeted like they were searching for the surprise inside a Cracker Jack box or something.

And suddenly I was thinking, _terms? What terms?_

I'd pay her. I was probably gonna lose my fucking job over this, but I'd pay her. Just her lips against my neck was worth it. I mean, if her lips felt that good in _that _area, they'd probably feel like fucking velvet on my... "Shiiiiit."

Her hand found my dick.

**BELLA POV**

What the fuck was wrong with me? Seriously, I didn't do these kind of things, but my hand had other plans. My hand was acting like a slut, reaching for Edward's dick like a flower seeking sunlight. I swear, it had a mind of its own.

Oh! Little Edward was happy to meet me, twitching when I greeted him with a firm handshake.

Wait, what the fuck did he mean by _terms_?

"Terms?" I whispered into the crook of his neck, continuing to pump his formidable shaft. "Like of endearment?"

"Ahhhhhhhh," he replied, his body becoming slack against me.

"We don't need to define things, if that's what you mean," I blathered. Shit, I was about to give oral.

No, not oral _sex_.

Jake always called my propensity to babble during foreplay my - air quotes - giving oral. Fuck, why did I have to think about Jake at a time like this? I was in danger of losing my lady hard-on.

Now I was babbling in my own head - giving oral to myself, so to speak. Pretty impressive.

"I just mean we don't have to discuss terminology or anything. I'm not exactly looking for a boyfriend."

He made a snorting sound that might have been a laugh. "No kidding."

"Not that I'm opposed to the idea of commitment - I just don't think we should get ahead of ourselves by defining . . . this." My other hand became impatient with my monologue and grabbed his ass, pressing into his firm cheek with an enthusiasm that was spastic.

"I'm such a whore," I groaned.

His body stiffened. "You don't have to do this."

I nodded, cuddling against his chest. "I know I don't. You just seem to really need it." Gah! I didn't mean it like that.

"You have no idea," he sighed, cupping my face in his hands. "Maybe we could just, I don't know, talk? Snuggle? Watch a movie?"

I thought he mumbled something after that. Something like, _"What a fucking idiot." _I assumed he referred to the snuggle comment. Guys didn't tend to snuggle.

Did they?

I deferred to another subject. "What about the pudding?"

"No!" he squeaked. "You don't . . . I mean, we shouldn't."

"Oh." My face fell. "You don't have any pudding." _Damn._

"Oh, I have pudding alright," he growled, thrusting into my hand.

"Um . . . okay?"

"No!" he said, trying to pull away, but my hand didn't seem to want to release him. "I like you. You don't have to let me come on your face."

"That's, um . . . sweet?" _Oh my god! _

"I just mean - and don't feel like you have to let go of my cock while I say this - we can be friends. It doesn't have to be about, er, business." He kissed my cheek.

"_CUM_asen," I drawled, jerking him in earnest now.

"Just Masen."

"No, _come_, Masen! Come on my hand . . . not my face."

"Oh, fuck," he moaned, dropping his head to my shoulder, chanting "fuck, fuck, fuck," over and over again as I stroked him. Both my hands were on his dick now, my left one becoming rather saucy, crawling down his shaft to roll his balls, while my right one tugged his entire length. I wished I had lube or something. This couldn't have been that-

Oh! Never mind.

"Oh... shit, I'm so gonna lose my job!" he cried, his cock throbbing. I pointed it at my stomach and watched him explode, jizz spraying me in three distinct squirts.

"That's hot." I mean, it was totally hot. Not that I usually enjoyed being painted, but something about _Edward_ spraying me nearly sent my pussy into a convulsive seizure, if you caught my drift.

"Fuuuuuuck," he swore again.

"I like you." I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave his mouth a chaste kiss.

"Jesus, Bella . . . I like you too." His face reddened, and I wondered if it was from embarrassment or excitement. "I'm sorry about your clothes."

"Don't worry about it, _CUM_asen. This outfit could only be improved upon by your sperm. Do you have a shirt or something I could change into?"

"Of course! I'll be right back, okay?" He kissed me again and squeezed my hand, the one that didn't have his spunk on it. "Just make yourself at home. Help yourself to a drink, if you want."

He buttoned his pants and walked down a narrow hallway I presumed led to his bedroom. I liked his apartment. It was big by New York standards, and the kitchen actually had a bit of counter space. I rummaged through his fridge and helped myself to can of Guinness.

"Are you hungry?" I heard him call from his room.

"Totally!"

"Check the cupboards, or we can order pizza if you want."

But there was really only one thing I craved. "Hold on," I hollered, opening a narrow pantry door beside the fridge.

There they sat, neatly piled on the top shelf beside a box of melba toast.

Pudding cups!

"Did you find something?" he asked, as I set the box on the counter.

"Is this for me?"

His jaw dropped, and I grabbed the shirt he had tucked under his arm.

"When you said . . . before, that you wanted, um . . ."

I lifted my soiled top over my head and looked at Edward as I proclaimed, "I'm going to eat your pudding."

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading! This can stand alone as a one-shot, but Jo and Flanny might choose to expand it into a short multi-chapter in the new year. We're playing things by ear. We'd love to know what you think!**


	2. That's Not Mud on My Face it's Pudding

**A/N: Flanny and the Freak (Jo) say: THANK YOU SO MUCH for your reviews on this crazy! **

**The Freak: You asked for it, you got it, Toyoooooooootah. I mean, Penal Code. **

**Flanny: LOL?**

**The Freak: I was having a "Forget Paris" (the movie) moment.**

**Flanny: *Snorts* I just fell off that tangent and hurt my head.**

**The Freak: *Eye rolls* **

**That's right, we're gonna see where this fuckery takes us. Perrymaxwell and Sue the Beta Fairy check grammar and give us feedback. We thank them profusely. Flanny & The Freak will be posting this simultaneously and at the same time within our own profiles, so if you've already alerted it, you will know when it updates.**

**We're looking at a short story here, maybe ten short-ish chappies long. And we really hope you enjoy the silly.**

**Thanks for reading! **

**Chapter 2** - **That's Not Mud on My Face; it's Pudding**

**Edward.**

Watching Bella eat pudding was like watching a porn movie. She licked that cup dry, and I wondered if that was part of her gig - getting a guy horny and hard over pudding and then sucking him dry, hour by hour.

_I could get on board with that._

And when I say "sucking him dry" I obviously meant money ... although, I'm guessing she could suck me dry the other way too. She definitely had some tongue skills with that spoon, I'd noticed.

I wanted to be that spoon.

I wanted to punch that spoon in the nuts, actually, and take its place.

_Sorry spoon, but you're out._

Alas, though, as Bella began to scrape the final remnants of chocolate flavored gelatin from the plastic cup she'd been having an intimate relationship with, her eyelids grew heavy, and before I could offer to walk her home, or... back to her pimp's place, her head fell.

Her nose landed square into the pudding cup, forcing what was left of her snack outward in a climactic spray of chocolate that speckled her face.

I was wrong. I didn't want to be the spoon after all. I wanted my jizz to be the pudding.

A laugh escaped me, and I tried not to let it sound out. She was damn cute for a hooker, I decided - pudding stained face and all. And I wanted to pet her hair then kiss her forehead for being that cute, but I...

"Shit."

What was I supposed to do with her passed out like that?

I couldn't just let her _stay _there. Could I? In my apartment? I mean, she was a _hooker. _I was a cop. If anyone found out I'd not only let a hooker into my place, but that she'd given me one of the most talented handjobs... ever... and then ate my pudding and fell asleep...

"Shit shit shit..."

I was dead.

Done for.

I was gonna be fired for sure.

This was not good. This was sooooo... not good.

But I couldn't exactly take her home either. Even if I could carry her in the state she was in, I had no idea where she lived... or where her pimp lived.

I rubbed at my face for a few seconds and thought about waking her up.

Then I jiggled her shoulder. "Bella," I whisper-sang. "Belllllllll_aaaaaah_."

Nothin'.

"Fuck me."

I thought I'd woken her up when she moved a hand to wipe some pudding from the corner of her mouth, but just as she did it, she mumbled something almost incoherently. _Spoke in her sleep, that is_. "I love your pudding, Edward Cummmmmmmmasen."

I chuckled.

And shook my head at her.

_Damn, cute, adorable, talented, handjob giving hooker._

Then I sighed and thought, _okay, I could probably let her sleep it off here in my apartment, wake her up early, and then sneak her out before anyone knew anything about it._

I looked over at the couch. It was a shitty thing to sleep on. I knew, I'd passed out on it quite a few times. Always woke up with a neck injury of some sort.

So I picked Bella up and put her over my shoulder, and took her to my bedroom, where I laid her down onto the queen-sized, blanket-covered mattress. Then removed her heels, pulled some of the god awful pins out of her hair, and covered her with my comforter.

I also wiped as much of the _pudding _off of her face as I could see without turning the lights on for a better look.

"Goodbye, sweet bed," I whispered before taking an extra blanket out of the closet. "We'll be together again tomorrow."

Once I was lying down and completely uncomfortable, I attempted to find sleep by thinking happy thoughts. Thoughts about Bella's soft touch and experienced fingers doing things to my dick that hadn't been done (properly) in many…. _many _eons.

Then I remembered something.

And cursed again.

Because I was pretty sure she was going to expect payment for that expertise.

I had about ten dollars in my wallet, which I was fairly certain wasn't gonna cover the cost of a handjob.

_Maybe I could get a discount for providing shelter?_

_Probably not._

I kicked the covers off of my boxer-short covered legs in a very twelve-year-old having a tantrum sort of way and grabbed my jacket. It was fucking cold out, and I told the ATM machine as much while I punched my pin number into the damn machine to get... what does a handjob go for? A hundred? Two hundred?

I took the maximum amount out that I could for the day and decided to figure it out when I got back up to the apartment. I was quite busy cursing some more about the situation when I turned to go. Then I stopped short, finding an older, very "handsome" woman, as Bella might have put it, glaring back at me.

She held tightly onto the umbrella in her hands, and I became quite offended that she would think I, of all people, would be getting ready to hurt her in some way.

"What?" I finally snapped at her, unable to take the judgmental staring any longer. Her eyes dipped down some, then back up at my eyes, and she narrowed hers before saying, "Pervert!" Then she swung the umbrella at me, and I took off without questioning what the hell she was talking about until the doorman to my building snickered as I passed by.

"Forget something this evening, Mr. Cullen?" he asked, and that's when I got it.

What I'd neglected to remember when I ran out of the apartment shortly before.

My damn pants.

I gave a weak smile to the doorman and concentrated on getting myself back into the apartment before feeling the embarrassment of scaring the bejesus out of some poor old woman and probably giving the security guys their next big viral video for YouTube.

"Battin' a thousand, Eddie boy," I told myself as I guesstimated how much to leave Bella, then pulled a sticky off of its pad and wrote her a thank you note.

Yeah. That's right, I said a thank you note. And even _I _shook my head at my_self _for that one, but to be honest, my mom had always loved sending Thank You cards to people after they'd done something meaningful for her or given her a gift.

I guess it rubbed off on me.

No pun intended.

_Oh god. _That's gross, right?... something of my mom's... rubbing off on me... and then letting that thought go where it just went? I was as bad as Alice suddenly.

But um...

Anyway, it was difficult to come up with just exactly what to say at first, believe me.

_Dear Bella, thank you for getting me off tonight._

No.

_Dear Bella, you are very talented, I'm sure you'll move up the ladder of hookers in no time..._

OY.

I ended up going with something more along the lines of generic.

"Bella, it was a pleasure meeting you. I'm really glad you liked the pudding."

It looked... lacking, somehow, but what else was I gonna say to the girl?

_Let's do it again sometime?_

_Perhaps we can take things to the next level when..._

I sighed. There was no way I could see her again.

Right?

Was there?

No seriously, was there?

_Quit it. _

Still, she was... really sweet, actually... and I managed to smile as I left the money and the note where she'd find it. Then I got myself situated back into a _not so very comfortable_ position on the couch and managed to drift off with only five or so hours of sleep to get before needing to head in for a day of monster paperwork over at the precinct.

The last thing I remember thinking was a mix up of emotions that left me confused. On one hand, I had completely screwed up my collar for the night. On the other, I'd met a girl.

One that I couldn't necessarily take home to mom, but you know, still.

She was pretty great.

**Bella **

Shit and fuck! There's always this terrible moment of panic and disorientation when you wake up in a strange bed. Like, I wanted to grab my mace (not the spray, but the medieval weapon) and beat the shit out of the fucker who fed me the roofie. Instead, I kicked the comforter off me, pausing to examine the 1970s themed _Chips _commemorative bedsheets, and rubbed the sleep away from my face.

A _snarf _sound snorted out of my nose and throat as I stifled a giggle and sneezed simultaneously. The random tribute to Eric Estrada confirmed my suspicions from yesterday that Edward was a cop. Just like my father.

Well, not_ just_ like my father. I wasn't an Oedipal freak or anything. It's just that I'd noticed the holster on Edward's pants because, well, a girl doesn't miss that kind of thing, even when she's giving a handjob. I wondered why he left the holster on but removed the gun. Was it a kink thing? He seemed so sweet and grateful for my attentions . . . if he wanted to play out some minor BDSM stuff like a butt plug (on him) or fuzzy handcuffs (on me), I could be game.

If only I could figure out why he'd thought I'd wanted him to come on my face. I'm pretty sure I hadn't give off any of kind of signal that would suggest such a request.

Speaking of a sticky face . . . my cheeks were kind of crusty. I licked my lips, and they tasted like sugar.

Oh! The pudding. I must have fallen asleep right after eating it - Jake always did accuse me of being a messy eater - and now it felt crusted around my mouth like Crazy Glue.

I remembered eating the pudding, but I had no clue why I was in Edward's bed.

The alarm clock on the single nightstand announced the time, 10:00, in obnoxious, red numbers. _Oh my fuck, he has _one nightstand_ beside his bed. That has to be the universe screaming a warning at me_. But my intuition had always been kind of crap. Case in point: one gay ex-boyfriend. So the universe could send me clever, ironic messages in the form of Ikea furniture if it wanted to, but I'd just continue on in my oblivious fugue.

I was going to be late for work if I didn't haul ass, and there was no way in Hades I could go to work in what I'd been wearing last night. Maybe Edward had some clothes he could lend me. But shit, I couldn't exactly show up at the first precinct in a dude's outfit.

Either way, Police Commissioner Swan was gonna kill me.

I padded barefoot out of Edward's bedroom and made my way into his living room. "_CUM_asen?"

Huh. Weird. Where the fuck was he? This situation was so messed up. Jeez, it's not like I'd been drunk yesterday. Just kind of hungry and lonely . . . oh, and maybe a little a suicidally depressed, too.

_Of course he's gone, you idiot. He probably thought you were a complete whore. _

I ground my fists into my eyes again in a vague effort to wipe the ennui away from my face, and my hand froze on my cheek as I spotted a piece of paper with my name on it. Well, not exactly my name; it was addressed to Cum-Swan.

Did he leave me his phone number or was he blowing me off with a Dear John letter already? Wait, what the fuck was this? My jaw dropped as a fifty-dollar bill fluttered out of the folded note, landing unceremoniously at my feet. I lowered to my knees and crumpled it in my hand, my brow furrowing in kind.

What the fuck did this mean? I had to admit, I'd dated a lot of schmucks in my time, but this was unprecedented. Maybe the note would explain it.

_Bella, it was a pleasure meeting you. I'm really glad you liked the pudding._

He was glad I liked the pudding. THE PUDDING?

Water burned in my eyes, and I felt my skin heat and a tiny sob choke off in my throat. He couldn't even be bothered with cutting me loose in person? Or did his parting words mean something else? I squinted my eyes as if staring at one of those 3D paintings, and his message would decode itself if I managed to focus my vision right.

After five minutes of quiet contemplation, I had nothing to show for my efforts but a headache.

So I called Alice.

"I need your help," I whispered into the phone.

"Bella? I can't hear you. Why are you whispering?" Alice's boisterous voice grated on my final nerve

"Because I'm freaking out!" I yelled.

"Please learn the art of volume control. And it must be a full moon or something because I just got off the other line with my brother. He's also in crisis."

"Sorry to hear that, but I think my problem demands more immediate attention than your lonely brother."

"Bella," she warned, her tongue clicking.

"Look, I'm sure he's perfectly nice. I didn't mean to act like a scunt there . . . I just . . . I'm so confused!"

"Can you hold on a sec? It's my other line."

"No! I don't care if Edgar's calling you. I need you to make sense of something for me."

"I know, and I will. Just give me two minutes, okay? And his name isn't-"

"Hoes before bros, Alice," I interrupted. "And fine."

With my phone still pressed against my ear, I paced the room, glaring once again at the offending note and wondering if it would burst into flames if I stared at it for long enough. Truth be told, I kind of wanted to ignite into ash too. My chest ached with an unexpected sadness I didn't understand.

I ended the call, my finger hovering over the screen as a lead weight settled in my gut. I didn't need Alice's insight to confirm what was happening here: Edward used me to get off and then left me a polite thank you and cab fare, obviously over-compensating out of guilt. I turned the note over and scribbled FUCK YOU in bold letters, preparing to do the walk of shame out of the building in my semen-stained clothes from last night.

**A/N - Every time you review Flanny and the Freak someone's face gets covered in pudding.**


	3. Price of Pudding

**A/N - Flanny and the Freak would like to thank Sue the Beta Fairy and Jkane180 for fixing our crimes against grammar. Perry was away this week, but we'd also like to thank her for mentioning us in her latest chapter of Unrequited (which you should totally read).**

**Chapter 3 - "The Price of Pudding"**

**Edward**

I woke in a panic. Bella still wasn't awake, I had to be at the precinct to turn a shitload of paperwork in, and there was just no way I could leave her there like that - lying in my bed, with full on access to my apartment. Cute as she was with her hair all in disarray, I was having daydream/nightmare-type thoughts of _Risky Business_ when Tom Cruise,in all his tighty whitey dancing glory, got robbed blind by Rebecca De Mornay and Joe Pantoliano.

And he'd even warned her.

_Don't steal anything. If I come back here and anything's missing, I'm going straight to the police. I mean it. _

I couldn't exactly pull that line. I _was _the police!

I steeled myself and breathed in, then let it out slowly.

After my shower, Bella still wasn't awake. In fact, she was out cold... with pudding encrusted around her lips. I decided in the end, a face like that couldn't possibly have been anything but sweet.

After I'd gotten dressed and finished a gallon-sized bowl of Golden Crisps cereal, she was still snoring, so I did the only thing there was left to do.

I called Alice.

From the cruiser I'd left back where Hooker Bella had first caught my eye.

Hooker-ella?

Bella the hooker?

_Just Bella, dumb ass. _

"Morning, Edward."

"Alice, ya' gotta help me."

"What's wrong? You sound..."

"I'm _freaking out_ right now."

"Oh my god, why?"

"I..."

_Fuck_. What was I gonna say? That the hooker I told her about the night before had actually been a _great _conversationalist? That she had a terrific sense of humor and made me feel more comfortable on the walk back to my place than any girl I'd met thus far... and _then _gave me a _handjob _in the foyer of my apartment How she ate pudding like it was the last bit of food on Earth and made me wanna brush the hair out of her face and put my lips on hers for as long as she'd let me?

She'd think I was nuts.

And then she'd kick my ass for putting my job in jeopardy like that.

But it was Alice. We'd shared _pretty _much everything going on in our lives with each other since we could walk and talk, save for a few instances regarding her college days, and honestly, if I didn't tell someone about my predicament soon, I was gonna explode.

_Exploding pudding... Bella's pudding face... Bella's hands on my pudding... I mean jizz..._

_Shit._

"Edward?"

"Alice... I..."

"Hold on. I'm getting another call."

"No, Alice, _wait_!"

_Shit._

I hung up and dialed her again, but got a "no signal" error message, so I started the cruiser up and headed toward work. I was so late, but, luckily I lived fairly close to work so it wasn't gonna be that big of a deal.

_Hopefully._

Once I'd parked and signed in, I made my way to the privacy of a conference room and called Alice again.

"Is that you? I'm so sorry. A friend of mine was having a crisis."

"That's nice, Alice. Listen, I really fucked up last night..."

I was gonna tell her. I swear. But just as I was about to spill the beans, my commanding officer entered the room, interrupting me. "Cullen, did you get that payroll paperwork done? The Commissioner needs it today."

_Fuuuuuuuck me!_

I breathed out in frustration.

"Edward? Are you okay? What could you possibly have done that was _that _bad?"

She laughed. She always did say I overreacted to things, especially when it came to work and women... but this? She just had _no _idea.

I nodded to my commanding, and he gave me his own personal version of the universal sign for "get off the fucking phone and get your work done," so I told Alice, "Listen, I really need to talk to you. Can we do dinner later?"

"Um... I'll have to check and..."

"Great, I'll see you then."

I ended the call with my sister, smiled at the officer waiting for me to get back to my job, and made a beeline for my desk, where I spent the better part of the morning humping my ass to get duplicates and triplicates of forms filed before heading over to police headquarters.

Commissioner Swan's office building was so much nicer than the one I worked in. I mean hell, even the area where the convicts sat and waited for their demise was nicer than the Captain's office over at my precinct.

I was admiring everything about the place, from its marble floors to its high ceilings, when I happened to catch a glimpse of a very familiar face sitting not so far away, and I just about dropped the entire stack of papers I was carrying.

Hooker-ella looked so different from the night before: not so much make-up, a little more conservative on the attire, and her hair was... quite normal looking.

Not Hookerish at all, actually.

_Wonder if she was role playing when she got picked up. Maybe playing a high school dropout for some sick fuck wanting to get his rocks off._

I absentmindedly mumbled, thinking about someone touching her like that. "Assholes."

"Excuse me?" the receptionist asked, and I jerked my eyes away from Bella to look down at the woman who was now annoyed as hell with me, while I started trying to organize my pile of papers again.

"Um... no, sorry, I wasn't talking to..." I shook my head. "Is Commissioner Swan in? I have some things to drop off for him."

"Edward?"

_Oh shit._ _Shit shit shit shit shit!_ It was Bella... she'd seen me... and she said my name. I couldn't let anyone in that building know that Bella knew me.

_Shit. _I told the receptionist I'd be right back and stacked the papers on the edge of her desk before practically running over to where Bella was seated and whispering a hello to her.

"What are you doing here?"

I looked around us to see if anyone was paying attention. They didn't seem to be, and I barked out a nervous laugh before telling her, "I was just gonna ask you the same thing..."

I leaned in a little closer. "You're not here because of me, are you?"

She snorted. "Cocky much?"

It was then that her name struck me like a paperweight being flung across the room at my head with the precision of an AK bomber.

_Swan._

As in, Chief Commissioner Swan?

No way.

_She couldn't be related... Fuck me, what if she was related? What if she was one of those goody two shoes type women by day for daddy, hooker by night? _

_Oh no... fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me fuck me._

"Shit, Bella... you didn't get into trouble because of..." I made a face, and she scowled in confusion while chewing on that bottom lip of hers, and suddenly, all I could think about was her mouth: eating pudding, licking lips... she was really, _really _good at licking lips.

Just like that, I was a little too distracted with my own sick fantasies about her mouth and that sexy voice of hers to worry too much about anything else.

I'd seriously never met anyone as beautiful as her before.

_Fuck me._

_No, seriously, Bella, _fuck_ me._

_Shit._

**Bella**

The subway ride from Chelsea to Battery Park was unbearable as the train lurched forward every few minutes only to come to a grinding halt seconds later. Gravity evaded me, and I spun gracelessly around the pole I clung to like a ragdoll stripper. I swear, the Brooks Brothers asshole to my right gawked at me like he wanted to drop a single in my g-string. The lights flickered, and I wiped my sweaty palms over my jacket.

Today was one of those kind of days I should've ponied up cab fare. Yeah, I totally could have taken the money Edward had left for me . . . It seemed wrong, though. Like I'd be acting like a whore or something.

_You're overreacting. He doesn't think you're a whore._

Maybe I'd offended him by falling asleep?

Gah! I had to stop thinking about it. Obviously he was emotionally disturbed. Normal men didn't leave thank you notes for handjobs.

Actually, that was kind of sweet . . . or at least it would have been if he'd left his phone number rather than cash. The money was just . . . weird.

By the time I reached the Chambers Street stop, my phone vibrated incessantly with message notifications. Letting go of the pole I'd been inadvertently dry-humping, I pushed through the throngs of commuters to make my exit.

"Asshole!" I cursed, pushing a jerk in a black suit out of my way.

"Sorry." His eyes widened, like he obviously having no idea why I was so belligerent. This _was _New York, though; I probably wasn't the first person to curse at him today, and I'd bet a certain 50-dollar bill that I wouldn't be the last.

"No, I'm sorry," I called over my shoulder, stepping onto the platform. "It's one of those days, you know?"

I didn't wait for his reply.

Taking the stairs two at a time out of the station and into harsh daylight, I pressed my Bluetooth in my ear and dialed Rosalie.

"Where are you?" Her voice sounded agitated. "Your father is flipping out."

"I know," I huffed out, removing my ridiculous heels and stuffing them into my over-sized purse. "Three minutes away."

"Where's the statement you prepared for Bloomberg?"

"On my laptop. Why?"

"Get your shit together, Bella," Rosalie snapped as I nearly tripped over an old woman who randomly decided to sit on the sidewalk to rummage through her purse.

"Bloomberg? I have a conference call this afternoon with the lawyer so they can vet it."

"Well, that's not good enough for them. They keep calling for the PD's official statement about, and I quote, 'the allegations that taxpayers' money is being wrongfully allocated to payroll, fattening the pockets of the corrupt-'"

"Jesus, Rose. Just tell them no comment until I get there, okay?" I gasped for air as I climbed the steps to the First Precinct. "Also, I need a change of clothes and any make-up you have with you . . . don't ask why."

I stepped inside the front office, and Rosalie still yammered into her phone at me, letting it drop to her side as we made eye-contact.

"What the fuck are you wearing?"

"I'm dressed like a jizz-stained vixen wearing a man's leather jacket. What, you don't like the look?" I opened the jacket and twirled.

"Get in the bathroom before someone sees you!"

* * *

><p>"Edward?" My voice came across as a meek whisper, but only because I was astonished. How did he find me? Had he come to apologize?<p>

Edward's reaction was strange - he squinted his eyes as if trying to place me from somewhere (asshole!) and then tried to duck behind a potted tree.

I placed my hands on my hips and tapped my foot, the international signal for "I'm waiting for an explanation; I don't have all day."

"What are you doing here?" I said finally, tired of watching him do that weird spastic-fidgety thing he seemed to do.

He muttered something to Leah at reception and giggled, the tone becoming almost manic as he approached me. "I was just gonna ask you the same thing..." His head dipped down to look me in the eyes, and my traitor of a stomach flip-flopped at the sudden proximity of his mouth.

_Kiss me! _my mind screamed in a fit of total irrationality. I couldn't make out with a cop; it was a conflict of interest. _Fuck me fuck me fuck me!_ Huh. Ethics be damned; my mind was also a slut. My conscience probably resembled a tiny drunk monkey, humping a tree and throwing poop.

Edward leaned in even closer, and I parted my lips, dragging my tongue across my mouth in preparation for his kiss.

Except, rather than kiss me, he spoke. "You're not here because of me, are you?"

_Asshole!_ "Cocky much?"

"Shit, Bella... you didn't get into trouble because of..." His face scrunched up like he was suppressing a fart. Why did he think I was in trouble? Had he heard about the Bloomberg fiasco? Bad news did tend to travel fast.

"I'm not in trouble," I insisted. "I'm just working some stuff out with the lawyer before I make a statement. Wait, how did you know about my job?"

"Your outfit." He looked away from me.

That made no sense. He knew I was the Communications Director for the NYPD because of my suit? "That makes no sense," I repeated . . . out loud this time, since he probably couldn't read my mind.

"Are you seriously gonna have to testify? Do you..." He skipped a beat, like he was truly worried about something and then finished his sentence off, finally. "Do you think I will?" He raked his hands through his hair, creating tufts that resembled devil horns. "Fuck me, fuck me, _fuck me_..."

"Okay! I mean, what? Why would you have to testify? No one will. The funds weren't misspent."

His eyebrows shot up, and he turned our bodies together so that no one else could hear him. "You didn't take the money?"

"Of course I didn't! What kind of person do you think I am?" My eyes burned from a sudden onslaught of tears. Did he just accuse me _personally_ of embezzling?

"Oh, shit, Bella, fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry... all you ever did was give me the best handjob of my life... and I'm a dick."

"Forget about it!" I turned away from him, rubbing my lower lashlines with my index finger so my freshly-applied make-up wouldn't run.

"I'm just . . . I'm really confused here, ya' know? I mean, I like you, Bella. Shit, I like you a _lot... _I just wish I _didn't _because, well, for obvious reasons."

I shook my head. "If you're done belittling me, could you just leave?"

"Just... tell me why didn't you take the money? Was it not enough? I have more."

My eyes narrowed into razors. "I didn't take the money, Edward Mason, because . . ." Wait, were we talking about the payroll money now or the cab fare he left for me? This conversation was giving me whiplash. "Because I don't steal."

He looked at me funny all of a sudden and backed away as if to get a better look at what I was wearing. "Hey, is that my jacket?"

"Except for this jacket. I stole this jacket. You can't have it back."

"It looks better on you than me." He smiled.

"Thanks," I muttered, looking at my feet. I couldn't be held accountable for my reaction if I looked into those mesmeric hazel eyes of his. I mean, why were they so beautiful, anyway? Hazel was a stupid color - not quite brown, and not quite green. Pick a fucking color!

"Listen... I think I..." He sighed, frustrated, then started over again. "I really need to see you again. I mean, can I? Did I blow this? Do you wanna have sex with me?"

My jaw dropped, and he closed his eyes tight while he shook his head, baffled by his own idiocy. "Coffee... do you wanna have _coffee _with me?"

"I . . ." I didn't know what to say. Actually, I knew exactly what I should say, but the thought of never seeing him again left a tight ache in my chest that was all kinds of irrational. "You blew it, Edward."

"Right, okay... Yeah, I can see that." He cupped my chin in his hand for a second and then turned away, slouching his shoulders. "See you 'round, Cum-Swan."

"Wait!" I called. "You didn't let me finish." I grabbed him by the elbow, and he spun around to face me.

"Yeah?"

"You blew it, but I'm a glutton for punishment."

"Yeah?" he repeated, grinning. "I wasn't sure you were a glutton for anything. Except pudding, that is."

"That too. And yeah, I'll give you another chance, even though it goes against my better judgment. Just one more, so don't be a douche this time." My phone buzzed before I could say anything else, and I noticed Leah in my periphery as she waved frantically from the reception desk, trying to get my attention. "I gotta go. Call me."

"Wait, I don't have your number!" he protested.

"Call me at the office." I shrugged.

"Uh . . . what?"

"Look, I gotta go. How about I just meet you outside of your apartment tomorrow night at eight. Does that work?"

"Sounds perfect," he said as I started to jog to the elevator bank behind the reception desk. "One more thing!"

I looked at my watch. "Yeah?"

"Are you related to Police Commissioner Swan?"

I nearly choked on the sudden bile that rose from my throat, my stomach burning. "Ah, no," I lied. "No relation."

**A/N - Do you like pudding?**


	4. Pudding Talk

**A/N: Flanny and The Freak apologize for going a little long this chapter. We uh... got a little carried away. {winks}. Beta'd by Perrymaxwell. Pre-read by Twilover76. MANY THANKS.**

**Chapter 4 "Pudding Talk"**

* * *

><p><strong>Bella POV<strong>

Alice agreed to meet me at Naked Lunch in Soho for an emergency dinner. I was already half way through my third Warsaw Mule when she finally fluttered in.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," she huffed, pulling her skull cap off her head and shaking out her hair. She had a kinetic energy about her that I secretly coveted, the graceful way she immediately commanded the attention of a room.

"S'ok." I took a pull of my cocktail, draining the last bit of liquid from the ice. "I'm feeling a little less spastic than a couple hours ago."

"How did it go with Bloomberg?"

"Oh, fine," I said, waving my hand. "The accusations were completely false. It just created a shit storm of paperwork for the PD. Speaking of which...I sorta met someone."

Alice leaned forward, tenting her hands beneath her chin. "Does he work for Bloomberg?"

"Er, no. He's a cop." I squeezed my eyes shut as she responded with a resounding squeal.

"No way! Tell me everything."

"It kind of happened fast. I was on my way to Rose's party, and he just started talking to me." I took a deep breath and speared a piece of lettuce with my fork. "He's so gorgeous, Alice. Fuck me, I couldn't keep my hands out of his pants."

"Did he have a nice cock?"

I nodded, feeling my cheeks burn. "Perfect. Not too thick, but definitely not too thin. Good length . . . none of those weird veiny things."

The waiter cleared his throat; I hadn't noticed him approach the table. "Sorry to interrupt a nice cock description, but can I take your order?"

"Caviar blinis and a vodka martini with a twist." She passed him the menu, her eyes never leaving my face. "How long was it?"

"Alice!" I kicked her foot under the table.

"What, him?" She glanced up at our waiter, and for the first time I could ever recall, her entire face flushed. "Uh . . . you don't mind . . ."

"If you talk about dick in front of me?" He cocked his head and offered a lascivious grin. My gaydar exploded in a fit of sirens.

"Yeah. That's okay, right?"

_Don't fall for him, Alice. He plays for the other team!_

"Oh yeah," he drawled, and Alice kicked out a seat, seemingly transfixed by his face . . . which wasn't that bad if you were into blonds. "In fact, I'll buy your next round if you let me listen to the rest of this conversation. It's been so long since I've heard a nice cock description."

_He's into pole!_ I screamed telepathically.

"Come on and join us for a couple minutes," she cooed, draping her hand over his shoulder. I glared at her. This was supposed to be _my_ emergency dinner. Mine!

"Thanks. I'm Jasper, by the way." He held out his hand and she shook it.

"Alice." She grinned, lowering her eyes in a manner I could only describe as demure. Gah! She was totally flirting with our gay waiter. Did my previous relationship with Jake teach her nothing?

"So, Jasper . . . do you like cock?" I asked, jumping nearly a foot out of my chair as Alice dug the heel of her boot into my shin.

"Ah, well . . . sometimes." He grinned, his cheeks dimpling. I could almost hear Alice's inner squee - she had a dimple fetish. Particularly ass dimples. "But there's a hot girl at this table I just _have_ to get to know better."

"Uh . . . which one of us?" She made her eyes wide while I stifled a snort.

"Oh my fuck," I muttered under my breath. "Jasper, Alice likes you. I think she'd be amenable to meeting with you after you get off tonight."

Alice shot daggers at me but nodded.

"I hope Alice agrees to meet with me before I get off," he sassed.

Ew. Like really, dude? That's your pick-up line? Then again, Edward had compared me to Bea Arthur and then mentioned coming on my face on our first non-date. Perhaps I wasn't the best judge of character.

Alice giggled, passing him her business card. "Call my cell after work. And as far as getting off... ladies first."

I pretended to pound my forehead against the table.

"He's cute, right?" She smiled, gloating as he walked away swaying his hips a little.

"Yeah, cute," I agreed. "But I think he might be a fireman short of a flaming closet."

Alice clicked her tongue in disapproval and stole a tomato off my plate. "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"Of course not." I blew out a frustrated sigh. "Can I tell you what happened now, or is there a busboy you'd like to hit on?"

"Go on. Tell me everything. So . . . we were talking about your dream guy's cock?"

"Yeah. Edward's cock is nice."

Alice spit out a mouthful of water. "Fucking, gross!"

"Excuse me?"

"Edward's my brother's name." She shook her head and muttered, "He thinks I'm too interested in his sex life and . . . holy shit! Did you say his name is Edward _and _he's a cop?"

"I thought your brother's name was Edgar?"

"What's his last name? Tell me you know his last name?" she whined, and I narrowed my eyes at her.

"Of course I do. Shit, I'm not a complete ho-bag. It's Masen."

She let out a long breath. "Well . . . I'm disappointed, but at least I didn't just get a description of my brother's dick."

"Thank god for small miracles," I agreed. "May I continue?"

"Please."

"So I went back to Edward's house for pudding and-"

"Excuse me?" She cackled, spitting water at me again. My entire shirt was soaked. "Pudding?"

I shrugged. "You know I like pudding. He wanted to take me somewhere, and I suggested going to his place for a pudding cup. That's not weird."

"It's a little weird, Bella. But you know that pudding cup sounds like code for something dirty, right?"

"Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know. Anal sex? Rimming? Something to do with the ass."

"He didn't touch my ass," I protested.

"Not even during sex? A little finger up the ass can be-"

"Ew! No!" I covered my ears. "I didn't sleep with him. I just gave him a handjob and ate his pudding."

"So you blew him?"

"No. The pudding isn't a euphemism." I balled up a napkin and threw it at her face. "Look, will you let me get to the weird part, already?"

She raised her eyebrows. "The pudding _wasn't_ the weird part."

I shook my head. "No. It gets . . . weirder."

"Proceed."

"So I spent the night . . . I fell asleep before he did, and I think he slept on the couch."

"You _think _he did?"

"Yeah. Well, he was gone when I got up," I explained, raking my hands through my hair. "He did leave a note saying that he was glad to have met me and happy that I enjoyed the pudding."

A peal of laughter escaped her lips. "That's positively spastic."

"Alice," I squeaked, tears of hysterics rolling down my cheek.

"Tell me_ that _was the weird part," she managed through her cackling.

"Heleftmefiftydollars," I slurred into my palm, averting eye contact.

"He let you feed his Dodge?"

I shook my head. "He left me . . ."

"Yes," she prompted. "He left you . . ."

"A fifty. Like, money." I cradled my head in my hands. "The fuck, Alice? Why would he do that?"

"Dude." She shook her head. "I have no clue. That's not normal. Did you ask him?"

"No . . . well, he asked me why I didn't take the money. At first I thought he was accusing me of embezzling because we were talking about the Bloomberg report. But later I realized he must've meant the fifty."

"Cab fare?"

"I guess. I mean, what else could it be?"

Jasper returned to the table with two electric blue shots. "Cock-sucking Cowboy for the ladies."

Alice tilted back her drink and said, "Maybe he was paying you for your services."

* * *

><p><strong>Edward POV<strong>

"So you've never heard of a Bella Cum-Swan around these parts?"

"Nope."

"Bella Cum?"

The mid-town pimp shook his head.

"Bella Pudding Cup?"

He eyeballed me.

"Bella…"

"I said no, asshole! Now get the fuck up out my territory before someone thinks I'm a damn narc or somethin'," Jane threatened, waving his blinged-out hand at me before collapsing his fingers into a fist.

_Fucking Jane!_

Caius Jane, to be exact. He was nothing. Just a pimp I'd given shit to a few times on my beat before. He strutted away, walking slightly bow-legged like his dick was too big for his pants. Good thing he _didn't _know my Bella. I might've had to kill the fucker.

It kinda amazed me how a dude who went by the name of _Jane _could have the rep for being such a bad ass, but hey, who was I to judge the inner workings of the hooker world?

Actually, as a cop, I suppose I had the right to reserve some sort of judgement.

I rubbed my temples, frustrated about the not-being-able-to-find-Bella thing. I mean, I guess I could have gone back over to HQ to see if she showed up there again, but then, I didn't really have a good excuse to be there, so it just would have raised suspicion where suspicion wasn't needed.

Instead of chasing down my only lead again, I tried calling Alice for the fifth time since she'd blown me off the night before.

This friend of hers was really starting to piss me off, and I'd never even met her.

Alice's voicemail greeted me once again, and I decided this time to leave her a message.

"Sis . . . You. Must. Call. Me," I told her, enunciating each word for dramatic effect. But I just couldn't take it anymore. Pervy or not, I had to vent to someone, and she was all I had.

"Dude, I met this girl the other night, and… shit. I don't know, it was… she's like… perfect, ya' know? I mean, she's not perfect perfect. She's a hhhh…" I stopped and looked around to make sure no nosy people were listening, then I lowered my voice a little, "hooker. And look, don't freak out, okay? I know it's fucked but…"

_Beeeeeep!_

"Shit! Shit shit shit."

I dialed her again, half hoping she'd answer this time so I wouldn't have to wait for the recording all over again, but… no such luck.

I tapped my thigh, impatient as I waited for Alice's voicemail prompt, and then started again, this time at warp speed. "Okay, so yes, she's a hooker. No, we didn't get caught. I don't know what the fuck to do though, Alice, because she's sweet, and sexy, and gives really good handjobs… pretend I didn't fucking say that… shit… anyway she fell asleep at my place the other night, and I had to go to work but left her fifty bucks, hoping that would cover the handjob, and then I saw her, Ali… I fucking saw her at HQ, and long story short, we're supposed to meet for coffee later, and I don't wanna lose my job but . . . fuck me, I don't know if I can stop seeing her."

I took a much needed breath and added, "Call me."

The rest of my day went by with absolutely no word from my sister, and it drove me completely insane. Did she get the message or not? And if she had, why wasn't she calling me back? Was she concocting some plan to get Bella out of the prostitution business? Was she debating turning me in? I mean, Alice loved me and all, but she was also very by the book.

I was still thinking about it - wondering why I hadn't heard from my sister - when Bella walked up on me as I waited outside my apartment building.

She must have had the night off because the hair looked like it did at the Commissioner's office the day before, and her make-up was barely there at all. The smile that spread across her lips as she approached put me a little more at ease . . . Who was I kidding? I was shaking in my boots, not just from first date jitters, but from genuine fear that someone would see me out with her.

"Hey," she said.

"Your hair flattens out nicely," I greeted like a schmuck.

She laughed. "Uh . . . I have absolutely no idea how to reply to that. You ready to go? Or would you prefer to begin with a solemn oath that you won't cum on my face?"

"Unless you ask me to," I joked, taking her hand. We walked in silence the rest of the way to the coffee shop.

I don't know about Bella, but I was thinking about how our "relationship" got off to the weirdest start, how she reminded me _nothing _of Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman, and how I didn't have nearly enough money to make her feel like she could leave a life of what was probably bringing her a steady stream of cash..

Once we entered the coffee place, Bella broke the silence. And my insane inner ramblings.

"Um, I'm gonna hit the ladies' room real quick. Order me something sweet if I'm not back before you get up to the cash register, kay?"

"Sure."

I watched her go 'til I couldn't see her anymore, and when I was no longer distracted by her ass, I fell into a tailspin. What the fuck did I get myself into? In an act of pure desperation, I attempted calling Alice again. I almost left a message for her to tell Mom and Dad I loved them and that I was sorry... before I was carted off to jail for solicitation.

No, for real.

Because while I had a nervous break down in line, no less than five cops from my precinct walked in.

_Stay calm, you've done nothing wrong._

_As far as they know._

"Hey, Cullen, what's the word, buddy?"

I smiled and nodded a short polite greeting to them and then looked away, hoping they'd just... _leave._

_Stand your ground... it's all going to be... oh... kay._

"Rough week, right?" another one asked, probably because I was sweating bullets.

_When they see Bella walk out and join me, I am a dead man._

_Dead man walking!_

"So what brings you out at night? Don't you usually..."

_Don't I usually what? Stay home and cry? Masturbate? Masturbate while crying?_

Seriously, words were coming out of his mouth, but I could hear nothing but my own thoughts telling me to just _run!_ Before I could make a break for it, Bella appeared back in line with me.

_Shit and fuck and shit again..._

"Hey! Bella!" Emmett McCarty, a bear of a cop, sung, and my brow furrowed a little.

_He knows her?_

_Oh shit. He knows her!_

"Hey, guys. You better not be on the clock," she said sarcastically, and they all laughed at some inside joke that better not have been an all-the-way-inside joke.

"You hangin' out with Edward here, huh?" McCarty clapped me on the shoulder and shook me playfully while he winked. But I wasn't laughing. I wanted to puke. "Lowering your standards lately?" he teased, and I laughed off of pure adrenalin. I swore to God I was about to pass out, but then they all finally left, chuckling and patting each other on the backs.

Bella waved. "See ya 'round, guys!"

I was... dumbfounded that they were as blatant as they had been. I looked over at Bella for some guidance in this situation, who was giggling and shaking her head at the men. We managed to order our drinks and sit down somehow, but she's finally noticed I was staring like an imbecile.

"What's wrong?" she asked, with this... crazy cockeyed innocence, like we hadn't just had a run in with the law.

So I pushed my coffee off to the side to let it cool down a bit and leaned toward her, whispering, "How..."

I couldn't say it, so Bella just smiled, encouraging me to continue. "_How_...?"

The sparkle in her eyes was crazy beautiful. I couldn't for the life of me understand how she ended up wasting her life away. Not that it mattered anymore since I was planning on saving her from herself and from the life she'd led up to that point. But I was curious.

"How many cops do you... _you know_..."

"What?"

And did she really not get what I was trying to say here?

_Maybe she just liked to see me squirm._

"Spit it out, Edward," she told me as she took a drink of her hot chocolate.

_Or maybe she was just worried someone would over hear us_, I thought... so I broke into code.

"How many cops do you... _know, _exactly?_"_

"Oh!" she laughed, and it was like music. I loved her laugh so fucking much.

"Lots," she said, and then rolled her eyes sarcastically. "Too many to count, ya know what I mean?" And had I _not _just taken a big ass sip of my coffee, it _might _not have ended up all over Bella's shirt when I lost my shit.

"Jesus, Edward, when I said to spit it out, I didn't exactly mean for you to …. you know, _actually _spit it out."

"Shit, Bella, I am... _so_ sorry." I made to help her wipe the coffee off, but really, it was fucking coffee... and it was not coming out.

She was laughing her ass off, which made me laugh despite the fact that I'd just uncovered this _huge _ring of cops who hired hookers for their own sick fantastical desires, and before I knew it, I was a little more comfortable than I had been since she showed up in front of my building.

_I know. Ironic._

Then suddenly I was a little worried about what these assholes did with Bella when they "hung out".

"You don't um... eat _those guys' _pudding, too... do you?"

"Pudding?" she asked, wiping at the front of her shirt to try and get the stain out.

"Yeah, you know..."

She finally gave up on the shirt, interrupting my next question as she threw her hands up in defeat at the dreaded coffee stain. "Guess you owe me a shirt," she teased, and I couldn't even begin to hide the grin her words caused, or the dick they hardened.

While she made a flippant comment about something I couldn't focus on... because of, you know, the hard on, I finally got the fucker to go down, and when I felt like it was safe, I stood and offered my hand to Bella.. "Wanna take these to go?"

She smiled.

"I mean, what's left of them anyway."

She smiled bigger and took my hand.

The coffees were discarded and we were outta there.

It was darker outside, and I was a little more at ease. Honestly, because people don't generally pay attention to anyone else they might pass by at night. They're too busy trying to avoid eye contact and get to a safer place than to look at someone's face and just say "hi".

The funny thing was, they _should _be paying more attention. It really helped us cops out when a crime _was _committed so we could get a good description of the perp; however, in this particular case, I was glad they weren't looking.

And I was too busy looking at Bella as she talked about what she liked to do, where she grew up, and the places she'd like to go sometime to notice anyone else. So in the end, it was a win win situation.

We got back to my apartment building, and I didn't know what to say. What to do. I wanted to kiss her. I mean, I _really _wanted to kiss her, and then some... but after the way I acted like an idiot at HQ and the way she seemed so offended at me leaving her a fifty for the other night... I had no clue how to proceed.

Until she took my hand in hers and swung it out between the two of us.

I was trying to figure her out. How she could be so... ridiculously cute and innocent and be a hooker... when she said, "Gonna ask me up to see your Chips sheets again, Romeo?"

I dipped my head a little and smiled. "Those are really just my backup sheets. The Starsky and Hutch ones were in the wash."

Bella laughed and then took a deep breath before just staring up at me, waiting.

I finally got my mouth to work. "You wanna come up, Bella Cum-Swan?"

She nodded in this super sexy, bashful kinda way, and then we did it, went up to my apartment, that is. And man, the tension was thick. It was sexual. At least I was pretty sure it was sexual, based on the fact that Bella eyed me like a piece of candy while chewing on that bottom lip of hers, and my dick was hardening again.

Other than that, though, it was a perfectly non-sexual moment.

I couldn't think.

I was hard as a rock with the cutest hooker in all the world in my apartment, and I couldn't fucking think of a single thing to say, so, I decided to see if she wanted some pudding.

Pudding had been good to us so far.

"You wanna..."

I barely got the words out before Bella's lips were on mine. She crashed into me so hard; it knocked me backwards onto the couch, and I pulled her down with me.

No way I was letting her go.

Everything moved kinda fast after that. Bella's hands were in my jeans, _my _hands were in my jeans, then her legs hitched up so she was straddling me, and I lifted her cappuccino stained shirt off of her while she wiggled her way out of her jeans.

She murmured something about tasting my pudding while she trailed hot kisses against my neck, and I choked when her hands wrapped themselves around my dick.

"Fuck."

Her tits were beautiful. I hadn't gotten a great look the other night, but now... they were right there, and they were... beautiful.

"I want you, Bella."

"I know. I want you, too."

"I mean, really want this, but..."

She pulled back a little. "But what?"

"I mean, I don't have the cash to..."

"Edward, if you don't stop offering me cash, I'm going to knee you in the groin and call it a night. I'm a big girl; I can afford my way around."

Damn, she really wasn't gonna charge me.

That had to mean something, right?

Right?

I nodded. "I'm sorry. That was stupid," I told her and then pulled her back down on top of me to kiss her.

Her tongue was warm and soft, and fuck I wanted it on my dick. I wanted it all the fuck around my dick. Up to the top and down to the nitty gritty.

"You sure you wanna do this?" I asked because, you know... no means _no_.

"I'm sure," she whispered into my ear, so I pulled my jeans off the rest of the way and kicked them out of the way, letting my hands find her legs on the way back up, then her thighs, finally settling on her hips.

She looked down at me, hair dangling around her, tickling my chest, and she smiled. Her hand reached down between us and cupped my balls, and my eyes rolled back, because it felt so... fucking good to have her hands on me again.

Then I made a confession. "I didn't think I'd see you again."

She dipped down to kiss me on the lips before telling me, "Me either."

Fuck, her hands... I mentioned they felt great, right? They were so soft, so perfectly perfect and professional. She was extremely... professional.

"Shit."

"You like?"

"Oh, I likey. I likey a lot," I told her, moving my hands down between the two of us as well to find her already wet and ready.

She hummed and rocked her hips against my fingers, and I pushed a couple inside of her, then decided to just watch her for a minute before moving forward with anything else.

She mesmerized me.

"Edward."

"Yes, Bella?"

Another finger and the humming turned to slight groans. "That feels really good."

And my hips mighta rocked a little themselves at that point.

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "Mmmm hmmmm."

"Want me to keep going?"

"No."

I scowled a little. "No?"

She moaned a soft "no" sound, and I thought, _shit_... _maybe she's having second thoughts_.

That's when I realized she had something else in mind.

Once her hand was no longer on my dick, she took _my_ hands and put them on her hips. "I want your cock."

And fuck. _Me_.

"Jesus."

Talk about not beating around the bush...

She smirked, moving to adjust herself better. Her hand found my dick again, and she teased me with her mouth - the one found at the entrance to her pussy.

"Bella."

She simply hummed again in answer.

"You might have a premature ejaculation on your hands if you keep this up. You know that, right?"

Bella giggled and then didn't torment me any longer.

She settled herself down onto me, taking every inch with a little roll at the end just to make her point clear.

That she was definitely _not _having second thoughts about what was happening.

"A perfect fit." She groaned, biting my shoulder.

No shit! I grabbed at her hips, pulling her over me again and again, trying to think about disgusting shit like that movie _The Human Centipede_ (thank you, Netflix) or Alice naked, so I wouldn't blow my load.

"You're not gay at all," she cried, making this breathy, squeaking sound.

"Not unless I have a pussy, baby," I agreed.

"Oh, shit . . ."

"Fuck!"

"I'm . . ."

"Can you?"

"Yes!"

"I'm gonna . . ."

"Come!"

"Cum!"

She collapsed against my chest and proceeded to snore softly.

I laughed and shook her. "You haven't even had your pudding yet."

"Oh, I had my pudding, all right," she mumbled, wrapping her arms around my neck. "Time for bed.

* * *

><p>It was early.<p>

And I mean, it was... _fucking _early when there was this loud as all get out knock at my door, and I fumbled out of bed and across the apartment to answer it before whoever the hell it was woke Bella.

Just as I pulled the door open, though, she was behind me, asking who in the world knocked on doors at six a.m., and I grinned because she had my Starsky and Hutch top sheet wrapped around her like a toga.

That was when I finished opening the door, to see the answer to her question standing before us.

"Jesus Christ, seriously?" I muttered.

I only wanted her to _answer _my phone calls, not give me a wake up call.

"Oh, good, I see you two have finally figured it out," Alice said with this knowing smirk playing across her face, and I was confused.

"What?" _The fuck?_

"What are you _talking _about, Alice? How did you even know I was _here_?" Bella asked, and I was in the middle of making sense out of my sister's sentence still when I realized what Bella just said.

"You know Alice?"

She pulled her chin back a little. "_You_ know Alice?"

"How do you know Alice?" I asked, and then the devil herself made a disgusted noise, and we both looked over at her.

She cocked an eyebrow and shook her head before gesticulating and speaking slowly, like we didn't understand English.

"Bella... this is my _brother_... _Edward Cullen. _The _cop..._" Then she looked to me. "Edward, this Bella... Bella _Swan_. My friend from _college_, who's definitely _not _a hooker."

**A/N: HEY HEY HEY! Penal Code is up for "Fic of the Week" over at The Lemonade Stand this week along with a bunch of other fantastic stories! Go vote! The poll closes tonight! www (dot) tehlemonadestand (dot) blogspot (dot) com.**

**THANKS FOR READING!**


	5. Tossing Pudding

**A/N - A BIG BASKET OF PORN to JaspersDestiny for beta'ing and to Twilover76 for pre-reading. **

**And HUGE! ASS! THANKS to everyone who voted for Penal Code over at the Lemonade Stand last week! It won a spot in the Fab Five for Fic of the Week! WOOOOT!**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5 - Tossing Pudding<strong>

You know that scene in the movie _The Sixth Sense_ where the wedding ring drops to the floor, and Bruce Willis has this moment of clarity when the entire mystery of the movie unravels?

_Motherfucker - I'm a ghost!_

I looked from Alice to Edward and back to Alice again, about to ask what the fuck she was talking about, when reality punched me in the tit with some choice sound bites from the last few days...

"_Shouldn't we negotiate terms?"_

"_Why didn't you take the money? Was it not enough? I have more."_

_"How many cops do you _know_, exactly?"_

"Oh my God," I choked, backing away from Edward until my shoulders hit the wall. "Oh, my God!"

"So...you're _not _a hooker?" His look of confusion morphed into a hopeful grin.

"Oh, my God," I repeated.

"Bella?" Alice took a step toward me. "Are you okay? You look kinda...green."

"Oh my God." My stomach churned and I lurched for the bathroom, tripping over the hem of my makeshift toga and falling bare ass naked onto the floor. "Oh my God."

"Are you going to be sick?" Alice asked. "Edward, help me get her to the bathroom."

"Bella, are you okay? Can I get you something? A Tums?" he asked, reaching out for me.

"Don't touch me!" I screamed, crawling across the floor and just barely making it to the toilet in time to empty my stomach. I could feel Alice holding my hair away from my face while lava erupted from my throat.

After a few more violent convulsive heaves, the nausea momentarily passed, and I tried to breathe.

"It's not what you think!" he said, his voice hoarse and lame. I lifted my head and saw him in the doorway, shifting from foot to foot as if he had some sort of STD rotting his crotch. "I mean...shit, it's just...your hair was _really_ big! And your clothes—"

"Fuck a frog, Edward! Stop talking and get the Tums!" Alice yelled.

"In the bathroom," he replied. "Bella, I swear I didn't bring you up here for a handjob. Honest! The plan was to _arrest _you."

"I wanted to have pudding with you..." Despite my anger, I spoke the words in a small, sad voice. He'd seemed so sweet and funny yesterday, and oh my fuck, his hands...his _body_. Everything about him was incredible. And I'd thought he'd liked me. "And I guess you thought _pudding_ was some sort of street lingo for "let's exchange sex for money?"or is solicitation of sex for pudding some sort of new law that I'm not familiar with?"

He let out this strangled laugh while I coughed and sputtered and choked and cursed in response, bending over the toilet again.

"So what happened?" Alice asked, sounding exasperated. "How did you go from collaring her to getting a handy? I mean, I knew you were desperate but . . . paying a hooker to get off?"

"I'm not a hooker!" I wailed between heaves.

"It…_really _wasn't like that, Alice," Edward insisted, getting slightly angry with his sister. "Bella, please tell her it wasn't like that."

I wanted to scream, but I couldn't summon enough air into my lungs with the projectile vomiting and such.

"Oh, Bella...my brother's an idiot! I'm so sorry..." Alice rubbed my back as the last vestiges of partially digested food made their way out of my throat and into the commode.

Now that my stomach was empty, I felt like boiling myself in water to get rid of the terrible, dirty feeling that seemed to coat my skin. Fuck, I wanted to pretend like the entire thing never happened, but the evidence remained between my legs—the dull ache Edward's dick had left in my pussy. It had been a while since I'd gotten properly laid, and he'd been very accommodating and enthusiastic, waking me up several times during the night to have more sex.

I'd thought it was because he liked me and desired me, not because I'd been offering some sort of "Open House" night to prospective Johns to earn their business.

On trembling legs, I hobbled over to the shower and turned the faucet to hot, waiting for the water heater to wake up.

"We did it three times," I said bitterly. "Plus the handjob."

"I like you, Bella. I mean, I _really _like you—"

"You tried to pay me!" I sobbed, cutting him off.

"No! I just...I didn't want you to think I was taking advantage of you!" He smacked his head. "That sounded better in my head."

"Jesus, Edward, how much money did you leave again?"

"He gave me fifty dollars to rub his dick!" I wailed. Alice pushed him out of the room and I ran a washcloth under the tap.

Edward piped in again from the hallway. "I didn't... I mean, I wasn't... Holy shit, this is all _really_ fucked!"

"Let's look at this rationally for a second," Alice cooed, cleaning my face. "Guys usually pay for sex one way or another—with flowers, jewelry, fancy dinners... Edward just happened to give you cash."

"Jesus, Alice," Edward said, muttering a string of intelligible words.

"You're not helping, Alice." I grabbed the cloth and blew my nose into it.

"I know. I'm kind of at a loss as to what to say. Edward fucked up big time. And maybe this isn't the best time to tell you, but I know he cares about you."

"Bullshit." I sneezed.

"No, really! He left a fuckton of messages on my phone about you... How you're sweet and funny and beautiful. I was going to wring his neck for putting his job and life on the line by dating a hooker—"

"Not a hooker!" Edward and I screamed in unison, and if I hadn't wanted to cut off his balls, I might have felt bad about the forlorn tone in his voice. But dude, there's only so much a girl can take. Sleeping with a guy who thought he was buying sex from a hooker had to be a hard limit for me. No way would I put up with anymore weird bullshit from men...especially after Jake.

Alice shook her head. "I know! But he thought you were, and he was willing to risk everything to be with you."

Well, that was kind of sweet. _No, wait a minute!_

"He offered me cash last night before we fucked." I laughed bitterly.

"What?" Alice's jaw dropped, her dark eyes blazing.

"He said something about not having money, like he was offering me a make-good or some shit."

Alice glared at Edward, who took a step back.

"In my defense, I still thought... I mean, I was hoping there was some way for us to—"

"Shut up, Edward!" I didn't want to hear any more. This was _so_ over.

* * *

><p><strong>EPOV<strong>

I paced outside the bathroom, trying to focus on making this situation _not _suck.

Bella and I had just spent the entire night having, no lie, _the best sex ever_ on my _Starsky and Hutch_ sheets, and now...she was puking.

I made a woman puke.

That's gotta be bad, right? Like, all time record bad? Making a woman puke?

_I'm pretty sure that's worse than bad._

_There's no way for this to end well._

Somewhere inside, admittedly, I was doing this crazy happy-dance-slash-Irish-jig sorta thing, when I heard Alice announce that Bella _wasn't _a prostitute in any way, shape, or form... And, honestly, I didn't hear much after that. I was too centered on the fact that the woman I was falling head over heels for was _not _going to be a hazard to my job after all.

But now that it was all starting to sink in, as I listened to that same woman attempt to hold back tears and Alice say things like "He paid you how much?", I tried to keep my head above water as Bella ticked off all the idiocies I'd committed over the past few days.

She was right.

I'd thought she was a hooker.

I hadn't bothered _asking _if she was a hooker.

I'd broken the law and taken advantage of her assumed hooker duties—and not only that, but I'd done it _twice_.

I rubbed my face in my hands, trying to think. I could hear Alice attempting to calm Bella, making me out to sound slightly less like an asshole, but I could also hear the disgust in her voice, too—probably because of how I'd treated this girl since the first time we'd met.

_Closest thing I've come to having a girlfriend in who knows how long and what do I do? _

Not only had I insulted this woman, who was the most amazing person I'd ever met, but I'd somehow translated a simple request for a _pudding_ _cup_ into an offer to let me cum on her _face_.

I mean, Jesus..._cum on her face_?

Really?

It was all starting to seem so unbelievable to me... Everything I'd somehow convinced myself to be true over the course of our..._relationship_?

I was beginning to turn damn near hysterical with myself when Bella stormed out of the bathroom, finally.

"I'm so happy to see you're amused with the situation, Edward _Masen._"

"I'm not! I just... Bella, please...!" I followed her as she went to find her clothes, and although Alice made her own lame attempts at getting me to leave her be, to let things go for the time being, I was fairly stubborn, so I blew her off for the most part.

Then my own surreal kind of moment hit me—one that left me a little curious.

"Wait a minute," I said, slowing my pace a little as I entered my bedroom. "Speaking of last names...you specifically told me you _weren't _the Commissioner's daughter. Was that true?"

The statement seemed to slow her down, but then she picked right up from where she'd left off, grabbing her things and avoiding any eye contact.

"Um... what?"

"Yesterday I asked you if you were any relation, and you said no."

Alice stopped one step short of an ass kicking on my part and turned to eye Bella suspiciously for the first time since she'd arrived.

"I—I—I..." she stuttered for a few seconds, but her temper returned shortly thereafter and she told me, "Don't change the subject, Edward."

"Oh, indeed, Miss _Swan..._ I think a subject change is exactly what we need right now."

I was cool on the outside but sweating bullets on the inside.

No doubt I had a _whole_ lot of apologizing to do if I was going to have a chance in hell at getting another shot with Bella, but I was pretty thrown that she had lied about being Charlie Swan's daughter.

It didn't make sense.

I stepped into the doorway, blocking her from leaving me hanging there. Then she looked up at me and I saw the girl I'd shared coffee with the night before—before I spewed mine all over her shirt, that is.

But there was something else there, too...in her eyes.

"I was afraid you'd only want to get to know me to help further your career. And before you cut me off, it's happened before," she said in a small voice.

Her words kicked me in the gut, and my first instinct was to beat the shit out of whoever had used her like that.

My second instinct was to beat the shit out of myself because..._holy...Shit, I'm a dick._

_I am a _big _dick._

A big, huge, wart-infested dick with, like, diseases and shit all over my balls kind of dick.

Bella was finally quiet, though, and I needed to take advantage of the moment to make her see that I wasn't the prick she thought I was, even though she had every right to think that I was. I mean, _I_ was even having a hard time remembering I was a good dude.

So I sucked in some air and blurted something out that even I'm not sure I quite understood.

"Look...everything moved _really _fast that first night, Bella. I would _never _have done something like that had I not been completely blindsided by the fact that you were the most beautiful thing I'd ever laid eyes on—aside from all the big hair and heavy make-up, that is. I mean, on a good day I'd have accused you of hooking, you'd have slapped me across the face, and baddabingdaddabang, we'd have gone our separate ways. But you were..." I made some kind of stupid _NNNF_ sound, "...and when you—I mean, when _we_...that is, _after _we..._you _know...and then you ate my pudding and...fuck, that was sexy, but then you passed out and that old lady called me a pervert at the ATM and..." I raked a hand through my hair. I was done. "Shit, Bella, I just didn't know what else to do at that point. I was a goner... I fell for a hooker—at least I thought I had—and I was a goddamn goner."

She stared blankly at me.

Alice's mouth was agape.

It was a little awkward.

I was out of breath, but I managed to add one more idiocy to my long list of standing idiocies: "_Just _like Richard Gere."

_Why must I keep talking?_

Bella seemed to have lost the ability to speak. _Awesome, I made her puke and now she's fucking speechless! _

And her dad is probably not only going to fire my ass, but he's most likely going to kick it as well.

Several times.

Publicly.

"Shit."

"I have to go," she finally said, and she pushed passed me with her purse and clothes cradled in her arms. I picked up the discarded bed sheets off the floor and draped them around her shoulders. She winced.

"Bella."

"I have to go, Edward." She shook her head, trying to find words, maybe. Trying to find just the right way to let me know this was over? I don't know.

She never found them, though. She just..._left_.

Alice's mouth was still slack-jawed, and the last thing I remember seeing as the elevator doors closed was Bella's crushed expression staring down the hall at me.

Even from where I stood, I could see the glassy tears beginning to form, and what was far worse than seeing Bella cry was that I knew I'd caused it.

I had to make this right.

I had to find a way to convince Bella that A) any guy that might have used her to get ahead in their career didn't deserve her anyway, B) even though I didn't deserve her, either, and despite the fact that recent events might have said otherwise, I would never treat her wrong ever again, and C...

Okay, I didn't have a "C" yet, but I would, and when I did I'd lay it all out there.

Take a chance.

And win the girl back.

I hoped...


	6. Put Your Pudding Where Your Mouth Is

**A/N: HUGE thanks to Twilover76 for reading this over and to JaspersDestiny along with Dragonfly336 for their beta skills. We miss you, Perry. Get well!**

**Also a ridiculously large debt of gratitude from Flanny and the Freak to Kitty Vuitton & Kelly Clwn for their oh-so-giggle-worthy review of PENAL CODE over at The Lemonade Stand this week! THANK YOU LADIES! You make us smile.**

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><p><strong>Penal Code 6 - Put Your Pudding Where Your Mouth Is<strong>

**Edward POV**

I had taken a sick day after Bella left me.

I'd also kicked Alice out of my apartment.

It seemed appropriate since I felt like _I'd_ been kickedin the _ball sack _several times throughout the morning. Since it wasn't exactly something I wanted to re-live over and over so… she definitely needed to skedaddle.

I fell into the bed and just lay there, thinking about how, not _twelve_ short hours earlier, I'd been happy.

_Really _happy for the first time in an extremely long time.

Including the day I'd been inducted into the police force.

Now? Not so much.

I eyed the pillow Bella had used the night before as it lay next to me with it's full color Starsky and Hutch Ford Gran Torino that was printed across it's front... I picked it up... and then I smelled it.

Then I moaned out like a jackal in heat, with absolutely no clue of how incredibly desperate I probably sounded to anyone that might have been walking by the apartment.

I didn't care. I'd show the desperation of ten _thousand _jackals if it meant I could make things up to Bella.

For the moment though, I was lost in that pillow.

It still smelled like her shampoo.

It smelled like everything _about _her.

From her perfume, to the fabric softener she used...just, _everything_.

_I wonder how long it would take to suffocate myself with this pillow._

"Ow, fuck."

I rolled over to see what had just stabbed me in the back and found one of Bella's hair pins.

I stared at it and grinned a little, remembering that first night I'd met her and how we somehow had managed to equate Bea Arthur to Bella's hair.

She made me laugh.

She made me feel _light_. And she made me realize my job wasn't the only thing in life that mattered. Granted, the epiphany had come about totally the wrong way, but still... I knew. She was it for me.

Why couldn't she see that?

Ideas raced through me suddenly. Ideas about how to make her see.

I called Alice. Somehow I had managed to make her feel guilty enough about blurting out my mistaking Bella for a hooker that she gave me Bella's work schedule for the rest of the week.

Then I dialed up the Commissioner's office and asked for Bella Swan's extension.

I knew she wouldn't be there yet. There hadn't been nearly enough time for her to have gotten into work, but it didn't matter, I just needed to get the words out that would, hopefully, plant a small yet powerful seed of forgiveness inside Bella's heart.

Provided she listened to the message past hearing my voice.

Just hearing her voice with a much more lighthearted tone to it as her voicemail greeting played made my heart pound against my chest, and when the beep sounded, I swallowed hard before beginning step one of plan Get the Girl Back.

"Bella, hey, it's Edward..." I hesitated before adding, "Cullen." Then I stopped and chastised myself for yet another act of idiocy. Like she wouldn't know me by just Edward the Jackass or, I don't know... Edward the Dick.

"Um... anyway, I just wanted to call and... you know, say again how _incredibly _sorry I am about... this entire week, and if I could erase it and start all over again, I swear, I'd ask if you were a hooker _first_."

_Shit. I should have written something out before calling._

"I mean..."

_Because fuck me, I am not good at this._

"Ya know what? I'm just gonna quit while I'm ahead here. You... have a good day... I mean, as good as you _can _have... after... the morning that shall not be named."

This was not going well.

"Goodbye."

I hung up the phone and then threw the entire machine across the room. I'd been cursed with awkwardness and it sucked.

It sucked really bad.

Then, I got another idea.

A crazy, wonderful, completely insane idea.

All I had to do was go downtown to the Commissioner's office, find her in her office and perform some act of grandeur... something huge that she'd never expect... like... I could _quit_... YES! I'd go straight to the Commissioner himself so she'd see how serious I was and that I didn't care about moving up in my career at all... that I wasn't just another dill hole looking to use her… despite my recent actions that might have said otherwise.

In the end… it was just her... _only _her.

I had no idea what career path I'd take afterward, or... how I'd support myself but who cares, right?

_This is love we're talking about._

Something close to it, anyway. Something that could maybe, possibly... yeah, definitely one day turn _into _love.

_And if it didn't work?_ _If Bella still told me to fuck off?_

I couldn't think along those terms. It would work. It had to.

I typed up a resignation letter to Charlie Swan and composed myself before dressing and then heading over to the First Precinct.

It was pure coincidence that I ran into Emmett McCarty on the way.

"Edward! What's up, dude?"

"Little busy here, Em," I told him, walking a little more hurriedly along the sidewalk leading me to Bella.

"No sweat. I'm headed this way, anyway. Hey, you really goin' out with Bella Swan, man?"

"Uh… something like that."

I didn't know how to answer him. I mean, I knew I wanted to be going out with Bella… I had actually had a date with the woman. Two if you count the first night when she'd wrapped her oh-so-talented and very _non-_hooker hands around my dick.

"She's a great girl… dude… do you know her friend? Rose?"

"Rose Hale? From the Commissioner's office?"

"Hell, yeah, Rose Hale. That woman is… _hot_. I've been dying to meet her and Bella was gonna introduce us, _officially,_ the other night at Rose's Vicar and Vixen's party but then she never showed up. I didn't even get in through the front door."

_Vicar and Vixens party?_

_Shit on a stick._

"_That's_ why she was dressed like a hooker."

"What?"

I shook my head. "Nothing, um…"

"'Course, I have to say I'm surprised she's dating _anyone _so soon after that break-up with the gay guy."

Did he just say... "_Gay_...?" My feet halted abruptly, and then I stopped Emmett. "What?"

He looked sincerely sorry for what he'd said. "Oh, shit, sorry dude, you didn't know she's in rebound mode?"

Oh... the crestfallen. That was me. My chest hurt.

Because rebound mode, my ass.

I didn't _want _to be Bella's rebound.

I wanted to be her _forever_.

At least as close to forever as we could get without turning into some abomination of the human state, like zombies or... I don't know, vampires?

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jesus, no wonder she reacted the way she did that morning. I was just another douchewad in a long list of douchewads that had made her feel less than worthy.

_Shit._

This was not boding well. I needed to act fast.

Because Bella Swan was more than worthy. More than what I deserved. But I had to try.

"Look, Em, I really gotta go," I told him and then quickened my pace and left him behind, calling after me. "Dude, let's double date! Hook me up!"

As I climbed the steps of the building that now held my fate, my jaw tightened and my stomach turned. I was so fucking nervous that my knees wanted to buckle, but I forced myself up the stairs and into the lobby, clenching my resignation letter in my hand and willing my feet to take me over to the receptionist's desk.

I must have looked like a complete asshole, just standing there, gawking at the door I knew led back to all of the offices, wondering if Bella was already there, what she was doing, how she looked… how she _felt._

Whether or not I was just the re-bound guy that would lead her to her Prince Charming.

"Can I… _help _you?" the receptionist sneered and my head snapped to face her as my heart beat raced to near fatal speeds.

"I um..."

Her eyebrows curled up as she gave me a questioning look. "Yes...?"

"I need to see..."

She suddenly became distracted with a hubbub of commotion coming up the stairs behind us and I turned to see what it was as she cursed under her breath.

"Oh Lord, not another one."

My eyes widened as two police officers wrestled with a tall, big haired hooker they were bringing in. She was a wild cat, and she wasn't to be taken lightly from what I could tell.

She also looked as though she might have purchased her outfit from the same shop Bella had.

The one I met her in, that is. The one that had been my downfall.

"Okay, Tanya," one of the officers said. "you wait here like a good girl and we'll make sure your pimp doesn't know you keep a percentage of your nights earnings inside your mattress."

"Ju reep dees material and ju hwil be buyink me new top, deell hole, cost thirty rubles..." she said before she caught me slack jawed and staring at her in disbelief.

She arched an eyebrow. "Hwell, hello dare, cutee pie."

I blushed and tried to look away as the two cops left her in the waiting area to go start her paperwork. I turned back to the receptionist to ask for Bella's office again.

"Is..."

"What brinks such a sweet boy to place like dees, mmmm?"

It was the hooker again, and she was invading my personal space with her loud voice and heavy make up. Her fingernail scraped underneath my chin, lightly, pulling my face to meet hers.

"I'm, um..." My eyes found the receptionist, silently asking for some help.

Help was coming alright... just... not from the _receptionist_.

"What, do you have some kind of a _hooker _fetish, or something?" Bella accused from the doorway I'd been ogling at earlier.

The scowl on her face and the rage in her words told me one thing.

This was not about to go down exactly the way I'd planned.

At all.

* * *

><p><strong>Bella POV<strong>

The phrase "walk of shame" had never before been so apt.

After leaving Edward's apartment this morning, it wasn't until I was alone on the elevator that I'd realized I had neglected to put on my clothes. That's also when I'd noticed the Starsky and Hutch sheets. The 70s cop kitsch was so adorably Edward I'd wanted to cry... and then maybe scream and puke again.

Despite the terrible humiliation and disgust that I could feel in every molecule of my body, I also knew the fondness I felt for Edward would probably never fade. I mean, there was no way in hell I could have a relationship with him now - not after he paid me for sex - but it didn't change the fact that I wanted him.

"Earth to Bella!" Rosalie snapped.

"Sorry...we were talking about cheese?" I had absolutely no clue what we were talking about, but cheese was as good of a guess as any.

"I asked you about the press release for the mayor. How did you get cheese from that?" She regarded me like I had grown a second head.

"Mayor McCheese?" I shrugged. "You know... word association, like in therapy when the doctor shows you an ink blot, and it looks like a vagina?"

"Maybe you shouldn't have come into work today," Rosalie said, patting my shoulder. "Everyone is entitled to the odd mental health day."

I blew out a frustrated sigh. I loved my job, and it really pissed me the fuck off that this bullshit was messing with my ability to perform.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head. "Yeah."

"I'm getting mixed signals here." Rosalie laughed, spinning my chair around away from my desk, forcing me to face her.

"Did Alice tell you about the, um, misunderstanding between her brother and me?"

"She mentioned in passing that he thought you were a hooker."

"She said that in passing?" Why was I friends with Alice, again? "How did that even come up?"

"Calm down, okay?" She walked over to the door to my office and closed it. For some weird reason, she also shut the vertical blinds. "She sent me a text message that you were going to be upset today. At first I thought she was pretending to be psychic again, so I told her to stuff it."

"And then?"

"Then she called me and said you had inadvertently exchanged money for sex with her brother...and that you were upset about it." She glanced away from me and pulled her long blonde hair away from her face, securing it in a low ponytail with a rubber band that she grabbed off my desk. Rose always preened whenever she was uncomfortable.

"You're judging me."

"I'm not...but you _were _dressed like a hooker the other day." She plucked a compact out of her purse and applied lipstick to her wide mouth.

"Because you were hosting that stupid costume party!"

"Which you never showed up at." She smacked her lips together, narrowing her eyes. "Look, Bella, if you needed money—"

* * *

><p>Around three o'clock it occurred to me that I'd forgotten to eat. I raked my hands through my hair and glared at my phone. I'd made the mistake of checking my voicemail after kicking Rose out of my office, and I was greeted with the oddest message from Edward. He had this fucked-up, halted way of speaking that was so annoying.<p>

Like, couldn't he get a fucking sentence out without pausing or going on in some weird tangent? I tugged at my hair and growl-whimpered (not the most dignified sound) because hearing his voice made my stomach drop in a not-all-the-way disgusted manner.

He infuriated me.

I hated him.

But he'd given me the best orgasms I'd ever known. My knees still knocked with the aftershocks.

Why couldn't I stop thinking about him?

He wasn't adorable or sexy or sweet. He didn't smell like Irish Spring, and even if he did, I didn't like that scent...not anymore. He most definitely didn't have rock-hard abs and a cock that rivaled my favorite toy.

His awkward jokes and rambling speech pattern didn't make me think of John Cusack. He_ wasn't_ my Lloyd Dobbler.

He sucked.

Sucked. Sucking. Mouth-fucking. Oh _fuck,_ I could still feel the soft, wet pressure of his tongue on my clit, throbbing and licking and—

_Gah! Stop!_

I hated him. Why did he have to remind me of Lloyd Dobbler? I think it was because he shook when we made love... or _fucked_ or whatever. It made me think of that scene in _Say Anything_ when he's about to pop Ione Skye's cherry.

_Edward, naked and trembling. _I swear, my pussy just shed a tear at the thought of never riding him again.

My hands shook with frustration as I buttoned my jacket and ran out of my office, chased by my own overactive imagination. I definitely needed to double up on my therapy because if I didn't have weird issues about sex before, I certainly did now. I mean, I had gone from a long term, committed relationship with a homosexual to an impassioned fling with a guy who thought he was paying me for sex.

That wasn't normal, right?

Stupid Edward with his Richard Gere complex. And did I mention that I hated the movie _Pretty Woman_? That shit wasn't romantic. It was ridiculous. THE GUY PAID HER FOR SEX! Him saving her from a life of prostitution was hypocritical. Also, how could she ever trust him after that?

I hated Richard Gere.

I hated Edward whateverthefuck-his-name-was.

I hated myself.

The elevator doors opened and I stepped out into the lobby, heading over to reception to see if Leah wanted me to pick her up a coffee. As I approached, a commotion from a few feet away caught my attention.

"What brinks such a sweet boy to place like dees, mmmm?" A crazy-haired prostitute said, running her hands all over a guy that looked a bit like John Cusack, only in a cop uniform.

Oh. My. Fuck.

"Motherfucker," I muttered, tossing my purse on Leah's desk so my fists would be free to take a swing.

Irrational rage filled me, boiling my blood.

"What, do you have some kind of a _hooker _fetish, or something?" The words flew out of my mouth as I stumbled towards the two of them.

"No. Shit, no! I mean—I don't. Only you—not that you're a hooker! I mean, fuck..." Edward took a step away from the woman in the same instant that I closed the distance between us.

I unclenched my fist and opted for an open-palmed bitchslap.

"Bella, no!" Edward yelled.

"Get your skanky paws off my boyfriend!" I screamed, shoving the prostitute to the ground.


	7. Pudding your Heart on the Line

**A/N: Flanny & The Freak cannot express how giddy it makes us that you all love these two as much as we do. Thank you for laughing with us (and crying, in some cases).**

**Thanks to Twilover76 for her pre-reads and to JaspersDestiny, Plummy (check out her amazing fic Love in Idleness) and jkane180 for beta'ing. Perrymaxwell is absent and missed in this chapter, but you should also check out her story Unrequited.**

**The Freak: Jo's deepest apologies for the play on words in this week's title. I accept full responsibility and promise a better one next time.**

**Flan: Love the title! It's so awful that it's brilliant. Kind of like fake vomit or that moose that poops chocolate jelly beans. **

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><p><strong>Penal Code Chapter 7<strong>

**Pudding Your Heart on the Line**

"Did you just say...?"

Did she just say _boyfriend_?

"You heard that, right?" I asked the receptionist. She looked up at me like I was a fucking lunatic as all Hell broke loose around us.

A blur of movement passed by in my periphery, and I turned to see it was Bella... and "Tanya-the-Hooker" sailing through the air. Bella's hands grasped at Tanya's over-sized hoop earrings, and the woman's face contorted to reflect her shock and awe. It was just like one of those slo-mo scenes from an action movie - muffled voices and all.

_Shit._

They landed with a loud_ ummmph!_ and Bella was thrown off of the big-haired-hooker. People backed away, clearly in shock at the scene transpiring in front of them, as my girl jumped back up onto her feet, and pounced again, ready for more jewelry-pulling.

"Gate hare away from me!" the woman screamed in an odd, Russian-Jamaican accent.

"I don't think so!" Bella yelled back as she slapped her.

Tanya struck back, barely missing Bella's cheek with her claw-like talons. And fuck, my girl was a sight to behold, ducking and swinging, her hair flying wildly around her. The crowd of innocent bystanders let out a collective gasp.

"_Ooooh!"_

"Bella!" I screamed, and she stopped attacking for just long enough to glare up at me.

"I'm _busy_," she snapped as her fingernails grazed Tanya's arm.

The Bohemian shrieked. "Jure dead, little wooman. Game... ovar... I _keeeel _you now."

"You have stupid hair!" Bella screamed out like a war cry and hurled her small frame at Tanya again. This time, she knocked the Amazon right out of her alligator skin boots.

"I'm sorry," I interrupted, still somehow more interested in what Bella had proclaimed than the fact that she was acting out some sort of weird Rocky Balboa moment with this lunatic. "Did you really just say that...?"

"Ju weel pay for dose leetel person! Ju cannot _have _my boots!" Tanya screamed as she stalked back. Bella ducked and spun like a tiny tornado, evading Tanya's grasp.

"_Ha_! You couldn't _pay _me to w..."

Bella became momentarily struck by her own words. Her eyes shifted toward me quickly then back to the _actual_ hooker in the room. "Never mind," she said, and then went for the throat. That's when I decided it was best to step in.

"Get... _off _of me!" she wailed when I grabbed her around the waist. I had a pretty good hold on her and wasn't letting go this time.

"I'm your boyfriend?" I grinned, giving Bella a nice strong tug. With my arms wrapped securely around her, I effectively pulled her off of the hooker, though she squealed and kicked her legs wildly.

Some blue uniforms rushed over to take care of controlling the banshee that wanted to hurt my Bella. I hadn't even noticed who one of them was – or realized that he even worked that precinct – until he said something to me.

"Dude!" Emmett exclaimed, as he slapped cuffs around Tanya's wrists. On some crazy level, I was glad to see the guy. "The fuck? What's going on, Cullen?"

"Bella called me her 'boyfriend'," I explained.

"Jore geerlfriend ees crazy."

"She's totally crazy," I confirmed, looking down at the most beautiful whack job in all of history.

"I'm not – I mean, I didn't..." she kind of sobbed. I realized I still had my arms around her.

"It's okay," I told her, loosening my grip so I could push her hair out of her face. She struggled, turning around to face me.

"It's not even remotely okay, Edward. I mean... I don't even... I'm really fucking confused right now. And I think I might've just had a psychotic episode. Clearly, this is all your fault."

I smiled like an idiot. "Clearly."

"I'm _not _a hooker."

I nearly laughed. I mean... I was still swooning over the fact that she'd just gotten into a cat fight over me. No one had ever fought over me before - except for that one time in middle school when Alice attacked the class bully for calling me "gay" on the playground.

_Not the same thing._

"I know that," I told her.

"I'm..."

"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Bella."

I damn near beamed, my back straightening and my dick hardening with pride, as we stood there, staring at each other for a few moments. Emmett and a couple other cops ushered Tanya into another holding area; Bella's eyes seemed weary, and I couldn't get a good read on whether she was actually beginning to forgive me or not.

I started to say something when a familiar voice boomed throughout the room.

"What in the hell is going _on _in here?"

"Commissioner Swan, sir," Rose Hale addressed him, and it was really the first time I noticed just how many people had gathered around the commotion.

My eyes locked on Bella's. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. I hadn't exactly expected to be so close to her when I arrived this morning. Based on the look she gave me, and the rush of blood that colored her cheeks, I'm pretty sure my boner was poking her in the ribs.

That's when Commissioner Swan noticed her – and the shape she was in. I really hoped he hadn't noticed I was practically dry-humping her.

"Bella?"

"C-commissioner." Bella's face drained of color as her father stalked toward us. "I was..."

"What on God's green Earth are you doing fighting with a... " He waved his hand, almost as though he was against saying the word all together.

"Hooker," a few of us said for him.

The sound of that particular word seemed to have adverse affects on Bella, and she pushed herself out of my arms, distancing us in front of the entire precinct.

My dick wilted.

"Hooker," he repeated, tapping his toe and staring at his daughter.

As she tried to regain her composure, my chest tightened, and in my mind, I tried to explain away the shitball of fucked-upness I'd somehow landed her in... yet again. The words never made it past my mouth.

"I'm having a bit of a day," she said, chewing on her lip.

"Uh huh." Bella's father eyed me suspiciously. "And I presume you have a good reason for assaulting that prostitute?"

"She was touching something that didn't belong to her." Bella bowed her head.

"Uh huh," Commissioner Swan repeated. "And what would that be?"

"Yeah, that would be me," I announced, raising my hand only to lower it again under his judgmental gaze. He narrowed his eyes and made a scornful noise, his mustached bristling like an angry caterpillar.

"You belong to my daughter?"

"Well, I'm working on it, sir."

"Hmph."

"No, no... I just mean that..."

"Commissioner... Dad. Edward and I - "

"Hold the phone." His brow knit together into a deep crease. "Isabella, why is your boyfriend hanging around with a hooker?"

She shrugged. "I'm not exactly sure."

"Is he a pimp?"

I blurted out a guffaw because, I mean, come on... but then quickly retreated back into a concentrated stare, silently apologizing for what was now one long ass list of idiocies.

"No." Bella eyed me with disapproval, likely pleading with my to keep my trap shut. "A cop."

"Actually, sir..." I interrupted, hoping to distract Charlie Swan from making the wrong assumption. "That's why I'm here."

Just when I thought the man's scowl couldn't get any deeper, it did. Not only that, but Bella's forehead creased with the makings of one of her own. It must've been aSwan thing.

I tried to smile, to let her know how sorry I was - not only for all the misunderstandings from day one of our _relationship_, but for the undeserved lashing she was getting from her father. Then I pulled out the piece of paper that contained my resignation, looking it over before handing it to him. I made eye-contact with Bella one last time, and her gaze fell to the paper, realization widening her large eyes.

I stretched out my hand to give him the letter. "Sir, I regret to inform you that today is my-"

"Birthday!" Bella blurted, cutting me off as she grabbed my wrist and stopped me from handing him the paper. I caught her eyes with mine as my brow knit together in utter confusion.

The Commissioner crossed his arms and glowered at me, taking his time while the statement sunk in.

"There some reason I need to know it's your birthday, son?"

I turned to him, mouth hanging open and heart beating wildly, but there was nothing... absolutely nothing coming out of my mouth.

Bella spoke for me, again.

**Bella POV**

"I wanted to introduce you at a more opportune time, Dad. I mean, without all the fanfare of cops and prostitutes and such. You know me, though. If there's dog poop on the ground, I'm gonna step in it." I gasped for air as if I'd been swimming underwater. "I'll be making a point, eventually."

"That's right, sweetheart, use your words," Dad said dryly, his mustache twitching with mirth. I was glad _he_ could see the humor in this situation.

"Edward and I are dating," I said, pointing to him. Edward didn't respond, so I grabbed him by his collar, pulling and pushing so that his head nodded in agreement like a sexy Bobblehead. "That is to say, he's my boyfriend."

"I see." My father's eyes narrowed as he appraised Edward. Charles Swan was all about propriety, but he had a wicked sense of humor. I couldn't quite tell if he was contemplating shaking Edward's hand or decking him.

"Edward," I hissed as he stuttered out gibberish.

"Is your boyfriend having a stroke, sweetheart? Perhaps I should call the paramedics."

"I'm Bella's boyfriend," Edward finally agreed like a puppet, his head still bobbing. I let go of his neck, sighing.

"And do you make a habit of hanging around hookers?" Dad asked.

For reasons I'll never understand, Edward replied, "I didn't pay your daughter for sex! She means the world to me, sir."

I shook my head, raking my fingers through my hair. "Please stop talking," I muttered, lacing my fingers through his. The heat of his skin seared me, and butterflies exploded in my stomach, their wings seeming to tickle my nether regions.

_Stupid, slutty butterflies..._

"What an odd thing to say. Bella, why would he say that?" Dad's mustache shuddered beneath an emotion I couldn't identify.

I shrugged. "Uh... you know... in case there was any doubt."

"That came out... the exact opposite of how I meant it to." Edward smiled. "I mean, I wasn't saying I _did _pay for her sex... _or_ that she doesn't mean the world to me... shit...look, what I mean is I respect your daughter. And I don't hang around hookers. These things are mutually exclusive." He nodded again, eyeing me as if for approval. "She did have pudding, but I didn't come on her–"

"I didn't pay Edward for sex either!" I screamed. "You know, in case there's any doubt on my end." _Oh, my fuck, kill me now! _"'Cause I don't do things like that. I mean, I might be a little hard up after Jake turned out to be gay, but you know I'd never break the law..._Daddy_." I looked at Edward and added, "I'm definitely not a hooker!"

"Ix-nay on the ooker-hay," Edward whispered, his breath hot in my ear. Despite my discomfort, his mouth did weird things to my lady parts.

"Uck-fay oo-yay," I hissed under my breath. "People are watching...ay."

"And by the way, remind me to deck Jake-the-Gay-Asshole next time I see him," he added.

"He's not an asshole," I insisted. "He just didn't want me on account of my not having a cock and all."

"Okay, remind me to deck Jake-the-_Dick_ next time I see him."

Speaking of dicks, I swear, Edward's was poking my ass again. Shit, could my father notice? Could anyone else see? I squirmed against him, and he made this sexy little whimpering sound.

That whorebag of a hooker had been carted away, but the lobby wasn't void of nosey onlookers. Gianna from my father's office stood not even six feet away, pretending to be deeply engrossed in a conversation with Heidi from personnel. "Look," I sort of whispered, but loud enough so my father could hear, "we certainly need to talk, but maybe this isn't the best venue for it."

"Agreed." My father pulled Edward and I into a hug – I presumed it was so he could whisper and be heard only by us. "Edward, happy birthday. I'm glad you're not paying my daughter for sex. If you were, I'd have to fire and kill you. In that order."

"Fire _and_ kill me? On my birthday?" Edward cocked his eyebrow, which made me think of his dick again because, well, pretty much everything made me think of his dick. It was a really great dick.

_Stop thinking the word dick!_

Edward choked when Dad squeezed a little harder. "Understood, sir."

"Is he being funny, Bells?"

I shook my head. "He's not the least bit funny. All the same, I'd appreciate it if you didn't fire him."

"What about kill him?"

I shrugged. "I'll leave that one up to you."

* * *

><p>As soon as I shut the office door behind me, Edward started yammering, "Bella . . . Jesus, I am... <em>so <em>glad you decided to try and work things out." He chuckled. "You have _no _idea how fucking sorry I am. And I thought you'd written us off and –"

"Please stop talking. I'm so angry right now I might punch you in the junk. And I really like your junk."

He covered his crotch; the left side of his mouth curved into a smirk. Either that or he was having convulsions. "You like my junk?"

"I do." I nodded. "But I could totally karate chop it off. I'm a third degree black belt." I shoved him into a chair so I wouldn't be tempted to launch myself at his crotch. "Now, what the fuck just happened downstairs?"

"You called me your boyfriend," he said quickly. "And introduced me to your father. And totally kicked that huge hooker's ass..."

"Jesus fuck. Can you get over that? It was a reflex to seeing that whore all over you."

His face fell a little. "You didn't mean it?"

I shrugged. "I don't like it when people touch my things."

"So what you're saying is my thing belongs to you? 'Cause I'm okay with that. Really."

"No. I mean, it did...until _my_ thing found out your thing was paying it for its hospitality."

Edward stood, reaching for me. "Bella... My thing is _really _sorry about that. My thing would never intentionally hurt your feelings, and it's truly... truly remorseful for what it assumed your thing was doing. You have no idea how bad my thing feels about it."

I looked down, and he pulled my chin upward, so I would look him in the eyes. "You know what they say about assuming... right?"

"You made an ass out of your dick and my pussy?"

His eyes darkened. "Fuck me, it's hot when you say pussy."

"You too," I squeaked. "I mean...look, I don't know what I mean."

"Can I just... I mean, would it be okay if I put my arms around you, at least? You look really bummed, and it's killing me that I'm the one bumming you... it's also killing me that I'm not touching you right now."

I shook my head. "I don't trust myself around you, Edward. If you touch me, I might do something epic dumb like grab your dick. And I can't let myself do that."

"Please, Bella?" he whispered, taking my hand but angling his hips away. "Do you think there's some way you'll ever forgive me for this?"

"That's not even the issue! I can forgive you, sure, but I can't pretend you didn't treat me like a whore."

"I told you. It was the outfit and the hair and–" His hands were waving all over the place.

"No, I get how you could mistake me for a whore, Edward; I was dressed the part. But don't you understand that you treated me like one? That you paid me for sex? I thought you liked me."

"Bella, I _do _like you. I'm crazy about you. I came here today to quit my job to prove it." He sounded exasperated.

"Yeah, about that... what the ever-loving fuck were you thinking? How would quitting the force solve anything?"

"I don't know, you know?" He shrugged. "All that stuff you said... about cops using you to further their careers? I wanted you to know that you could trust me. That I'd never do that to you."

"Edward," I sighed, finally letting him wrap his arms around me. "After the night we spent together, I _did _trust you. I would have trusted you with my heart. And I know you weren't using me for my father, so quitting isn't going to fix things."

"What will?" He kissed my forehead, wiping tears away I hadn't even noticed had fallen. "Please tell me... how can I fix this, baby?"

"See, that's just it. I don't think you can." I ducked away from him. "I want you, Edward. So fucking much, but I don't see this working. I'm so ashamed of what happened... of myself."

"But it's not your fault!" He reached for me again, but I stopped him, backing away and holding my hands up in a defensive sort of way.

"I shouldn't have fucked you," I said, my voice breaking. "Maybe if I hadn't acted like a whore you wouldn't have treated me like one."

Edward's face crumpled, contorting as if in pain at my words. I felt like I should have apologized, but I didn't want to risk saying anything that would make things worse.

Finally he nodded. "Okay, Bella. I get it. I promise I won't harass you... I'm just gonna go... change my date of birth in my records before your father finds out it's not really today, and, I don't know, try not to beat myself up too bad for fucking this up."

He pulled the door open, but before he left, he turned to me one more time, and I had to fight to keep the tears at bay.

"But I want you to know something before I go." He shook his head. "You didn't _act _like a hooker, not once. It was all me, Bella. I'm the idiot here, never forget that."

Then he was gone. And I collapsed into my chair, letting my head fall onto the desk as I cried the past few days out of my system.


	8. Another Man's Pudding

**A/N: Flanny and the Freak want to apologize for being so fail on review replies. We read every review on both accounts, but crazy schedules, FFn douchebaggery, and Flanny's general flakiness has made us miss at least half of the replies. Forgive us? We have pudding! Big love to Jaspersdestiny & Perrymaxwell for their beta services, and to Twilover for pre-reading. This is the second last chapter...**

* * *

><p><strong>Title: Another Man's Pudding<strong>

**Bella POV**

My face felt like it was stuck to the pillow. I struggled to peel it away from the pillowcase, not wanting to think about what had glued it there in the first place. It could be any one of a plethora of foodstuffs.

Last night when I'd gotten home from work, I'd hooked up with the only two men who'd never failed me: Ben and Jerry. But even their sweet ambrosia failed to balm my soul, so I headed south of the border to suck on my Latin lover, Jose Cuervo. That man always did know how to bring my misery to orgasm.

Jose succeeded, and sweet oblivion found me for seven hours or so . . . until I woke up to a pounding in my head that felt something akin to Michael Flatley lord-of-the-dancing inside my skull.

Suffice it to say, this morning was off to a stellar start.

I threw on a ratty t-shirt and boy shorts and opened my laptop. I'd be working from home today.

-PUDDING-

"I'm sorry, Rose," I whispered into my phone two days later. "I'm still really sick. Just email me if you need anything, okay?"

I opened a Word document and glared at the flickering cursor. There was something I was supposed to write, but I seemed to have lost the ability to communicate.

_I'm the fucking Director of Communications for the NYPD!_

Irony was a cunting bitch.

-PUDDING-

Time seemed to move in slow motion as I spun on my computer chair, watching the seasons change on my generic outdoors-scene screen saver.

After going through my email and deleting Alice's message—subject line: DON'T DELETE—I checked my voicemail.

"Please, Bella?" Alice's plaintive whine besought through the receiver. "I'm so sorry! Edward is miserable... he made me swear not to bother you about this, but I can't do it! You guys are meant to be together. I'm having a vision about it of Dionne Warwick proportions. You _have _to come over so I can do your tea leaves, or at least talk to me—"

_Message deleted. Goodbye. _

-PUDDING-

"I'm drunk, Edward," I slurred into my cell phone. "I have no clue why I can't get over you. I'm trying — I'm trying so fucking hard — but I can't get you outta my head. That doesn't even make sense, right? I mean, we barely had two dates, and you were under a grossly false assemupshun... assmumption... you thought I was a ho. But I dunno, Edwaaaard. I dunno. Being with you... I don't even know. You made me feel _something_."

I burped delicately and poured another shot of Jose into my Koolaid mug. "You made me feel something in my hooha." I giggled like an idiot. "When little Edward—who is definitely not little—was up there."

I sounded asinine, which was ironic in that I couldn't pronounce it in my current state of inebriation.

"Fuck," I groaned, the weight of my skull drawing my head forward onto my chest. "You have no idea how long it's been since I allowed myself to feel hopeful. I guess this message makes no sense since you don't really know me all that well. Let's just say I'm sad. I've always had difficulty connecting with other people, but something about you—about us together—just fit. You fit with me. Even your cock fit perfectly for Christ's sake!"

I hit the pound key, realizing even in my drunken fugue that I was in the throes of stupidity.

_To save your message, press seven. To delete your message, press eight._

_Press eight,_ I screamed at myself. _Do not press seven._ _Only bad things will happen if you press seven! _

_I should totally press seven. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna press seven._

Gravity became a funnel cloud, and my head spun as the numbers on the screen zoomed in and out of focus. I crawled onto the floor and rested my head on the ground. _Just for a second until the spinning stops._

I made the only sane decision I could think of.

_Message deleted. Goodbye. _

-PUDDING-

"Answer your fucking door!" Rosalie screamed. Why was I paying this much rent for a building with a doorman again?

"Go away," I muttered, turning the volume up on the TV. Sasha Baron Cohen washed his face in a toilet bowl, and I wondered if his excess body hair was part of the character he portrayed or if he really _was _a hairy bastard.

"What the fuck are you doing in there?" Rosalie screeched in reply to my hysterical giggling.

"How did you get past the doorman?" I asked, ignoring her question.

"I gave him a blowjob," Rosalie screamed in reply. "He let me in _and_ gave me twenty dollars."

"You're kidding." I opened the door and glared at her.

"Of course I'm kidding. Not all of us trade sex for favors." She grinned, brushing past me.

"Are you poking fun at me?"

"Yeah, 'lil bit. It's too easy. And you're way emo right now in a totally non-ironic way. What are you doing in there?" Her nose scrunched up, likely in disgust at the mountain of garbage beside the couch I'd been molesting in my irrational grief.

"Painting pictures of sad clowns and cutting myself." I slammed the door and turned away, launching myself back onto the war-torn sofa. It really _was _pretty gross.

"What are you really doing?" she demanded.

"Watching Borat."

"Huh."

"Rose..."

"Yeah?"

"Why are you dressed like a prostitute?"

"What? I'm not!"

Okay, so she wasn't exactly dressed like a ho, but her skirt was so tight it was trashy, and if her tits were a river, they'd be overflowing and flooding the townspeople. Wait, that didn't make sense. Was I still drunk?

"Turn around," I ordered, twirling my finger.

"I have a date! Come on, it's not like I dress like this every day."

"Very nice. How much?" I said with a Russian accent.

"Fuck off! Just get back to work, okay? You're being a melodramatic twat."

-PUDDING-

On a good morning, it took me about thirty-five minutes to get ready for work. Today was definitely _not _a good morning. Nonetheless, after hitting rock-bottom yesterday in the form of another drunken voicemail to Edward—one that I couldn't remember if I'd deleted or not—I decided it was time to put this version of myself to bed.

Everyone deals with depression differently—Picasso had his blue period, Van Gogh hacked his ear off, Hemingway killed himself—but I chose booze, chocolate, and self-pity. And now I was over it. Not over Edward, by any means, but over the self-indulgent pity party. It was time to put my big girl panties on and face the world.

"Oh my God, Bella!" Rosalie practically squealed when I walked into the precinct. She hugged me and sniffed my hair. "Are you better? You smell much better!"

"I'm fine." I waved my hand dismissively. "You know... took a few days to mope, but I'm ready to get back to normal." Not that I was ever exactly a poster girl for a sound mind, but at least I wasn't eating cookie dough and listening to Enya in the dark.

"You're not dressed like a whore." Rosalie grinned, patting me on the back.

"Neither are you," I countered. "Give any twenty-dollar BJs yet today?"

"Nope." She inspected her nails as if the topic of conversation was dull. "Still providing prostitution services to cops?"

"For sure!" I laughed. "My rates just went up, though, since I beat up another hooker for stealing my corner."

"Yeah, that one surprised the shit out of me. My money would've been on Tanya in that cat fight."

I kicked her shin, just as I heard—jeebus help me—my father clearing his throat.

"Bella?" He cocked his fuzzy eyebrow to the best of its ability.

"Uh, hi, Commissioner." I did my best to smile. "Officer Newton," I added, nodding at the new recruit to his flank. Michael Newton had scored the top grade of his group on his qualifying written test - the only reason I remembered his name. Other than his alleged intelligence, there didn't seem to be anything remarkable about him.

He reached forward to shake my hand; I clutched his sweaty palm reluctantly. "It's so nice to finally meet you in person, Bella. Commissioner Swan won't stop talking about you."

"Really?" I chewed on my nails. "Don't believe a thing they say about me on the beat. It's all lies!"

"You didn't beat up a hooker?" Newton grinned.

"Oh, that's totally true!"My eyes met my father's. "What's going on, Commissioner? Are you trying to set up a date for me or something?"

"I heard through the grapevine that you and Cullen aren't getting along so well, and Mike here is new in town..." He looked at his watch. "I thought he could use a tour guide."

"I don't mean to impose," Mike offered, sounding somewhat apologetic.

"No... I mean, it's not a bother. I just have so much work to catch up on."

"Rosalie can handle today's press statements," my father insisted, and I glowered.

"I suppose so." Rose bit her lip, and removed a compact from her purse, opening her mouth and applying mascara to her already thick lashes.

"She's preening," I explained, motioning for my Mike to follow me. "Shall we?"

"Absolutely!" He stepped ahead of me so he could hold the door open, and I afforded one last glance at my father.

"Have fun, kids," Dad said, using his patented lackadaisical, dry tone.

"Yeah, don't wait up," I teased, allowing Mike to take my hand. It was a sweet gesture; why did it make me want to gnaw on my wrist to free myself from his clutch?

Shaking my head, I tried to ignore the creeping weight of foreboding that settled in my gut. History had proven my instincts were all backward.

"So," Mike began, stroking my index finger in a manner that could only be described as suggestive. "I'm dying for a home cooked breakfast. Do you live around here?"

"Uh, no. And I don't really cook... like, at all." My hand felt hot and sweaty, but I was freezing. "There's a coffee shop nearby that I like. The food is decent."

"I have money... I'm not sure how much it'll be. Should I stop at a bank machine?" Mike pulled out his wallet, showing me a couple of twenties.

"That's plenty for breakfast. Besides, the coffee's on me."

Mike shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat, beautiful."

**EDWARD POV**

"_Why_... did you call her, Alice?" I whined, almost incoherently into the phone when my sister informed me of her conversation with a certain sexy brunette earlier in the day. "I specifically asked you to do the opposite of call her."

I took in a deep breath of air and let it out in one long, exaggerated sigh, listening to Alice's excuses for butting into my love life—or, lack there of, I guess—once again. She meant well; I knew this, but things with Bella... well... although I was pretty certain they couldn't possibly get any _worse_, I didn't really want to take any chances by letting my sister try to make things "better".

When she got to the part about wanting to read Bella's tea leaves, I shut my eyes tight and pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Alice," I took another calming breath of air, "tell me you didn't offer to read Tarot cards for her."

"_Well_..."

She sounded a lot like Lucille Ball when she said it, and I suddenly wanted to throw in my own version of Ricky Riccardo for her, warning that she had a lot of '_splaining _to do.

I wasn't in the mood, though, so instead, my hand flew up into the air, reflecting my frustration with a sibling that just did not know when the hell to remove her nose from my business. "Jesus, Alice."

"I'm sorry! I just think you two should be together."

"Well, you're gonna have to get over that, seeing as how there probably isn't a snowball's chance in Hades that it's gonna happen now."

Not that trying to get Bella out on date number three... or, one, depending on how you looked at it, hadn't crossed my mind, but I was trying to be good. Trying to stick to my word that I'd given her about not bothering her again.

It was killing me.

"No thanks to your brilliant undercover work, Inspector Gadget," Alice chided.

"Yes, Sister Sledge, _thank you _for once again, reminding me of my stupidity. What's it been, like an hour? I was getting worried you'd forgotten."

"Smart ass... Look, I'm sorry; I'm at a loss here."

"You and me both, sis... you and me both."

I ended on a strong note, promising to take her to the gun range over the weekend for some target practice and then declining her invitation to hit this new bar we'd both heard about not too far from home. She was convinced if I socialized more with women, that I'd eventually learn how to... you know, socialize with them without making a complete ass of myself.

Unfortunately for me, I'd already made an ass of myself with the one person who was important enough for me to not want to make an ass of myself... so the rest really didn't matter as far as I was concerned.

Still... talking to Alice had made me fall right back into the haze of Bella I'd only just begun to crawl out of... barely... and it made me want to see her... touch her... feel her in all the right places, again.

_Shit._

_If only mind control really existed and I could get close enough to permanently erase the past week from her memory._

-PUDDING-

Somehow that morning, I made it in to work. I managed to bullshit my way through the day, busying myself at my desk with paperwork that somehow kept me from interacting with anyone and everyone until it was time to go home.

When I threw my keys and phone down onto the coffee table, I noticed the small blinking signal on my cell that told me I had a voicemail waiting for me and I scowled.

I assumed it was simply another Alice message, giving me her umpteenth reason why I should go out with her that weekend. I was about to delete delete delete it... but when I heard Bella's voice, even in the drunken state it was in, I was pleasantly surprised.

Grinning, I made myself comfortable on the couch to listen to what she'd had to say, laughing every so often at not only the fact that she'd _called _me... several times apparently, but at the babble fest she'd provided.

"_I deleted my last message, and I'm gonna delete this one, too. I miss talking to you. It's funny, with all the sex we were having, we sure managed to talk a lot. I like talking while doing it. I like that you like talking while we fucked... made love or whatever. Sex. I really liked having _sex_ with you. Did you take a course or something? 'Cause there was this thing you did with your tongue that I can't stop thinking about. But that's not why I'm leaving another message, even though I'm gonna delete it. And if you think I'm saying all this just because your _thing _knows how to make my _thing _really really happy... you're wrong... I— I want to be with you. But it won't work. I'm deleting this message now. It shall be as though this voicemail never existed." Hiccup!_

I checked the time stamp on her message. She'd left it the night before, and I couldn't believe I'd missed it, considering I had only been checking my phone to see if she'd called about a bazillion times since leaving her office a few days before.

_Just in case._

I also wanted to punch my service provider in the nut sac for making me miss her call.

After I listened to her talk five or... seven, okay, ten more times, I paced the apartment, wondering what in the hell I should do.

I mean, she'd called, which meant she was thinking about me, and from what she was saying, she still liked me. A lot. Maybe even more than a lot based on the fact that she was insinuating not being over me and all. On the other hand, she _was _drunk, and a lot of times people... _women_, didn't like to be held accountable for what they said during an obvious drunk dialing episode. She might not even remember she'd done it.

Then what?

_Fuck... fuck... fuckity fuck fuck fuck my life._

I came up with a compromise... I knew I was stupid, I knew it was not at all smart to go over to her apartment, the exact location of which I legally should not have known, but I told myself I would just... make sure she was okay and then leave immediately.

No harm done.

Right?

I think I changed my mind twenty times before finally heading over there... and another seven or so on my way over.

And I had been in the middle of second guessing myself again as I made my way down the sidewalk to her building, as a matter of fact, when I ran smack into Rose Hale, the tall blonde bombshell from Bella's office who Emmett McCarty had pledged his undying lust for.

_Awesome._

"Oh no you didn't!" she screamed all ghetto-like, causing me to take a step or two backwards, until I was safely out of her arm's reach. "I know you're not showing your face around here. Leave her alone, Cullen! She's drinking her body weight in crap tequila because of your douchebaggery. This shit needs to stop."

My eyes widened with not only the shock of what she was saying... but the volume she was saying it in. She fucking scared the shit out of me in other words.

"I wasn't … I mean I was just... she left me this message and I was..."

_Fucking breathe!_

"I just wanted to see if she was okay, Rose. She left me a drunk voice mail, and..."

"Yeah, well, she's _not_ okay. She's watching Borat, for fuck's sake. And she smells like sour ice cream and stank."

I didn't want to laugh. I swear I didn't, but I could literally envision her sitting up there in sweat pants and a t-shirt that was ten times her size, surrounded by empty tubs of Ben and Jerry's while trying to decipher what the fuck that Borat guy was even saying.

"Oh, this is funny to you, is it, assmunch?"

The expression on Rose's face shut me up quickly. "I'm sorry, it's just..."

"Honestly, I don't know why she's so torn up over you in the first place. It's not like you're_ that_ good looking. Jake was at least hot, even if he wasn't into poon. But you're more like that douchetard, John Cusack. Not. Hot."

Okay, first of all, gay or not, that Jake guy was definitely getting a smackdown if I ever met him, and secondly, Rose was officially annoying the hell out of me. John Cusack in Say Anything was my fucking hero.

So I shot a bitter remark or two right back at her.

"Guess that makes us even then, since I don't get what McCarty sees in you either."

"Emmett likes me?" Her jaw dropped. Actually, she looked almost... happy... which was even more disturbing than her trying to be scary.

"Uh... he might." I shrugged.

"Huh. We're off topic, here. The question is, Cullen, what are you gonna do about Bella? She needs you. Are you man enough to sweep her off her feet? Because if you're not, you need to go ahead and fuck off for good."

_Man enough to sweep her off her feet._

"I don't know if that's enough anymore, Rose... I mean she basically told me to fuck off about three times already."

"Yeah, and that's why she's drinking her sorrows away. Trust me, fishface, that girl has some serious feelings for you."

"Nice, Rose, that's... very mature, fishface... got any more zingers for me?"

Don't get me wrong, bantering with Rose was about as fun as sticking fucking needles through my dick, but what she said about Bella having feelings for me... it was making the wheels inside my head turn faster than they had in _days._

"All I'm saying is you better think long and hard about how you're gonna fix this. And don't even think about going up there right now. She needs a shower. She won't let you in."

She was right.

I hated that she was right, but she was.

I needed to think things through, let Bella think things through... get past her drunk dialing stage... get clean... and maybe open herself up to listening to me before I just... stormed the castle. _So to speak._

"Alright... I'll go. And thanks, Rose. Um... good luck with Emmett."

I guess I meant it; I mean after all, she was only being a bitch because she was defending her friend.

Back at my apartment, I was frustrated all over again. I tried to sleep, but it never actually came to me. I just tossed and turned all night, worrying about Bella and wondering if she was puking from too much tequila and ice cream.

When I did doze off, I had nightmares of Borat suckling her tits while flipping me off, and I couldn't get over to him to knock him the fuck out. I kept getting stuck in one of those long ass hallways, like in Poltergeist, when the mom was running, but the walls kept stretching out in front of her.

Yeah.

Good times.

When 6AM finally rolled around, I grabbed a quick shower, dressed and headed into the office, stopping only once, so I could get a nice large coffee to go before freezing my ass off on the way.

Standing there, in that long ass line at the coffee shop, as the cashier took _forever_ to ring up the patrons in front of me, I was lost in my own thoughts when none other than Emmett McCarty elbowed me in the ribs.

"'Sup, Cullen. Dude I love this coffee shop," he informed me as he rubbed his big ass hands together and blew on them to try and warm up.

I nodded, but in reality, I hated this coffee shop. Everywhere I looked I was reminded of Bella.

Like right now for instance. I eyed the cashier. She was the one who'd taken my order the night we went there for our "date". Other times I'd mistake some friendly hellos for reminders of tricks Bella might have done in the past...then I'd stare at the corner table in the back of the tiny story where we'd talked for a little while._Where I'd once again taken things she said wrong and assumed she was taking payment for services rendered..._ Then, of course, there was the trash can we'd tossed our coffees into before heading back to my apartment for the absolute best sex I'd ever had

Repeatedly.

Of course it was only the next morning when Alice so gracefully informed the two of us who each other was, thereby crushing all hope of any relationship whatsoever that I might have had with the woman.

Okay, technically it was all my fault.

Was it possible to junk punch oneself?

"You okay, Ed? You look kinda green."

"What? No, I'm good Em," I told him, and then in an attempt to divert the conversation, "Hey, I saw Rose Hale last night. I think she likes you."

His eyebrow did that cocky thing he did when he was trying to be Don Juan, even though he couldn't ever do the accent, and his body mass was like, ten times that guy's. "Say what, mi amigo?"

I nodded. "We kinda... _bonded_, sort of… anyway, she definitely showed interested when your name came up."

"Sa_-weet_," was his amorous reply, and I even snorted at the way he said it.

I reached into my pocket to grab some money when I noticed I was finally getting close to the counter to place my order. When I did, a fuck ton of change flew out and onto the tiled flooring, rolling every which way but near me.

"Shit."

He let out an amused chuckle at my expense. "You're a mess, Ed. Want some help?"

"Nah, I got it," I told him, chasing after the money and forgetting all about my order. For some reason I was always compelled to chase coins when I dropped them.

I had just about all of it when the door opened and my foot kicked a couple of quarters out into the chilly morning air.

"Excuse me," I said to the customer as he tried to maneuver his way around my obnoxiously hunched body.

I spotted the coins, and just as I bent to pick them up, I heard voices from around the corner of the building.

They didn't sound friendly.

"Let... _go!_"

"Come on, I've got the money on me, baby. We can make this quick and dirty."

When I rounded the corner to see what was up, I froze, seeing Bella struggling with some jack-off.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," she told him, struggling to free herself from his grip on her arm.

"Come on, ho, I heard you talking to that blonde bitch and then the Commissioner asks me if I'd like a date. I mean, at first I thought he was hitting on me until he mentioned you... it didn't take much for me to figure out how things worked. Commissioner's got the ultimate pimp lifestyle, right? He sets up the Johns... you reap the benefits? How much does he make off this, anyway?"

"_What_?"

Realization must have struck her because she pulled harder, trying to loosen her wrist from his grasp, but he wasn't letting her go, and then with one last swift tug combined with a head smash (using what looked like a back pack of some sort), she was free of him. He grabbed at the pack but she chose to let it go, then ran in the opposite direction of where I was standing.

Apparently, she hadn't seen me.

And neither had the jack-off, until he turned to leave, too, dropping the bag to the ground before he left the scene.

"What's going on back here?" I asked him with as much control as I could muster.

"None of your business, that's what." He had this... _entitled _sound in his attitude that made me want to kick his teeth in.

I stared at him with a rage inside of me I couldn't control and didn't want to, only able to imagine what might have happened had Bella not gotten away from him.

"Can I help you, buddy?" he asked, eyeing me like I was just some fucking nobody off the street, as he zipped up his jacket and pulled his gloves back over his hands, making to just... go along his merry way. As though he hadn't just tried to...

_Fuck._

I didn't answer him, and when he tried to step around me, I moved so he couldn't.

My hands balled into fists at my sides.

"Who the hell _are _you?"

"Who the hell are _you_ that you think you can touch her like that?"

"Touch...? You mean Bella?" He laughed, and I sneered.

"She's just some cock tease, man, don't get your panties in a twist..." He leaned in a little and whispered, "Apparently she takes money for uh... you know... but she wasn't in the mood or something today, I guess. Or maybe this was too crowded a place, who knows?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "The _fuck _did you just say?"

"She's just some whore, dude, settle down."

Inside, my stomach was already swirling and wrenching. I wanted to be sick, because I couldn't help but wonder if it wer my actions and insinuations that had somehow gotten around the rumor mill and given this dickless wonder the impression that Bella was a paid hooker. Outside, my fists here already pounding on his face.

"You... don't... _ever_... _fucking_... call-her-that!" With each word I spoke to him, my fist connected with his jaw as I held him upright by the collar of his... _police uniform_.

My arm stopped, mid-punch, when I realized he was a cop. Then I let go him, slowly, which in turn gave him the opportunity to stumble and run away like a scared little girl with blood oozing from his nose and lips.

My breathing was labored and I was still in the middle of trying to re-gain my composure when I noticed someone standing not too far from where I'd just put a beating on a fellow officer.

I was done for, I thought. Some law abiding citizen was going to turn me in for assaulting a police officer and then the Commissioner was going to fire me for sure, boyfriend or not to his daughter.

That's when I looked and saw who that law abiding citizen was.

My chest tightened.

I hadn't been this close to her in days.

"Bella?"

She held something up for me to see. It was the backpack. "I, um... forgot my bag."

I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know what to do, as she approached me. I swallowed hard, trying to think of something when she took my hand in hers, letting her fingers graze the raw tops of my knuckles.

I winced.

"You're bleeding."

"No blood, no foul." I shrugged.

"But there _is_ blood." Her lower lip quivered, and I thought she was going to start crying. But she didn't. She threw her arms around my neck and started kissing me... all over my face. "You defended my honor?"

I nodded, angling my hips away from her so she wouldn't be offended by the wood in my pants that erected every time I was around her.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," she blubbered.

"You look like you're having a bad day." I smiled like an idiot, ignoring my raw skin as I wiped the tears away, kissing her cheek. "Wanna come over for a pudding cup?"

I don't know why I said it. It was just one of those moments, you know? When I just wanted to make the woman I cared about smile, but hadn't really thought through what I was gonna say so I just blurted out the first thing that came to my mind.

That first night we'd met—when she looked so lost—she said pudding would cheer her up.

I was ready for her to slap me... or, punch my balls or something for it, but she surprised me.

"No," she replied. "I want you to come on my face."

I had no clue whether or not she was kidding. The fact that she was laughing was definitely a good sign, though.

**Flanny's A/N - Every time you review us, The Freak comes on my face. That's not weird, right?**

**Freak: Uh...**

**The Freak's A/N: Seriously guys. THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading this one. We'd had so much fucking fun writing them, it's just nice to know you all are having fun too. LOVE!**


	9. The Proof is in the Pudding Cup

**A/N: We are SO SORRY for how long this has taken to post. Real Life, Fake Life, Up Life, Down Life... so so so so sorry. Please to be forgiving and we realleh hope you likey dis here chappy. Big vats of smurf jizz to jaspersdestiny for her stellar beta work and a less disgusting drink to twilover for pre-reading. This was supposed to be the last chapter but it's actually the penultimate. **

**Penal Code Chapter 9 – TITLE "The Proof is in the Pudding Cup"**

**EPOV**

Holding Bella in my arms without her pushing me away and telling me she wasn't a hooker for the hundredth time was like finding out I'd won a lifetime's supply of condoms and the sexiest woman alive to go with them. (A lifetime's supply of condoms used to be only one box with my previous track record.)

I smiled as I held her.

_One outta two ain't bad._

"Shit, Edward...I've been such an idiot. If you had any idea about the emo temper tantrum I had thrown the last few days... I turned self-pity into an art form. I just felt so sorry for myself after Jake, and then I—"

"Shhh… Bella, you had me at cum on your face."

She giggled hard into my chest, and the vibration of it made me as stiff as a board in a certain place that her hands pressed up against all of a sudden.

"You were perfect. I mean, you _are_ perfect. I just couldn't get over myself long enough to realize what I was giving up... Your cock is amazing. This is okay, right?"

I sucked in some air and closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of it while willing the whole of the situation to _not _be a dream.

"I'm sorry. I totally just grabbed your junk without asking permission."

"Stop apologizing. And you_ never_ need permission."

"I know, it's just…I've been fantasizing about your dick all week, and it's just nice to touch it again."

And holy _shit _was she touching it! She was rubbing and massaging me, and if she didn't stop it pretty quickly, I was gonna have jizz all over myself.

I grabbed her by the wrist to stop her, and her eyes met mine. "I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing, Bella. I just...you make me want to..."

"What?"

"Do bad things to you." I cocked an eyebrow at her and she smiled. "Yeah?"

"You're not gonna sing the theme song to _True Blood_, are you? Actually, you totally should. That would be hot."

"Oh, yeah?" I began a lazy rendition of the song, moving the two of us closer to the brick wall that surrounded our favorite coffee shop so I could make out with my now official_—I think, anyway_—girlfriend. But then Bella started giggling, which put a slight damper on the mood.

"Okay, no, just...stop singing."

"What? Why? I'm a great singer."

Her eyes lit up with what I could only explain away as amused pity. "Edward, _you_ are a horrible singer."

I stopped my romantic pursuit for a moment and looked down at her, searching for the joke she was playing on me. "Really?"

She stood her ground. "Can't hold a note to save your pudding."

I scrunched my eyebrows up a little, thinking about how Alice had always told me how great a singer I was over the years. "Huh."

"You wanna—"

Her cell phone rang, interrupting her, and all I could do while she answered it was try to finish off the question she was about to ask me.

_You wanna...go take singing lessons?_

_You wanna...watch some _True Blood_ re-runs?_

_You wanna..._

I stopped and quirked an eyebrow at her as she spoke into her phone. She was eyeing me...perhaps wondering if I wanted to take her back to my place to have make-up sex.

'Cause I was all over that.

"Commissioner, I..."

Oh. That snapped me out of my Bella Swan, pudding-induced fantasy.

I gave her a questioning look, trying to figure out if she was in trouble for not getting back to the precinct immediately, but her expression gave me all the answers I needed.

Something was up.

When she moved past her father's title and let out an abrupt "Dad," I knew the reason for his call wasn't exactly about work.

"It wasn't...no, I just..." Her face turned beet red after her first couple of attempts at speech. I didn't even know if her father was still talking...or if she was just ranting for the sake of...you know..._ranting_.

"Well, maybeif you didn't hire _assholes _who tried forcing themselves onto your innocent, unsuspecting daughter, then he wouldn't have been physically assaulted, _Daddy._"

She ended the call and wound her arm up as if to throw her phone, but she stopped herself.

It took me a good, solid couple of minutes before I could even think about asking her if she was okay.

"You all right?"

"I'm..." She was still fuming, but she gathered her wits about her and finished her thought anyway. "We need to get to the precinct, ASAP."

Uh oh.

Not good.

"We?"

"The _commissioner _wants to know why his brand-spanking-new-top-banana-asshole-police-grunt is bleeding, and he wants the," she laughed, "_situation _cleared up before anything is leaked to the media."

"Oy, boy."

What?

It was really all I had under the circumstances.

"This is a nightmare," Bella mused. It was, but I knew once we got down to HQ and explained things it would all be fine.

Right?

I convinced Bella to let me drive her back to the commissioner's office. In her state, there could have been serious road rage issues.

When we arrived, it seemed like there was already some explaining going on—and not the honest, one-hundred percent truth kind of explaining, either.

Bella's hand tensed in mine as we approached a highly stressed, very scary looking Charlie Swan, and I squeezed her hand a little to reassure her we were not the ones at fault here.

Newton was schmoozing the head honcho in such a way that it made me want to deck him all over again.

"I was only trying to get to the truth, Commissioner. I had no idea Bella would take things so personally."

"So, you _weren't_ trying to force yourself on my daughter?"

"Daughter?" Newton paused, the cheese-eating grin freezing on his face for a moment before he managed to laugh it off. "No, of course not, I—"

"Liar!"

I felt Bella start to lunge for the dumb ass, but luckily I was holding onto her already, and I pulled her back. No need for another WWE-type scenario again.

_Not this week anyway._

Newton jerked his body away from us. "Whoa! See, sir? She's a little on edge, wouldn't you say? Complete misunderstanding here, is all this is."

Dick.

Charlie Swan scowled. We all knew it had been a long week, and he seemed to be thinking this theory over.

My _own _eyebrows did their specific version of a silent "What the Fuck?" as I tried to comprehend him ever questioning his own daughter, but then Rose Hale joined in on the fun, entering the office with the kind of flair only she could get away with.

"Apparently he thought Bella and I were serious when the two of you overheard our conversation, Commissioner," she informed him as she eyed the blonde-headed weasel. "Then he made her an offer he thought she couldn't possibly refuse. With all due respect, Commissioner, I'd like to take him out back pound the crap out of him for treating your little girl like a whore." She blinked innocently.

If it were actually possible to spontaneously combust, Bella's father would most certainly have done so at the end of Rose's announcement.

"Anyone care to explain to me why in the _hell _Officer Newton would be under the impression there's a brothel being run here as opposed to a goddamn police station?"

Immediately everyone started talking at the same time, but he shut us all up and asked for his daughter to speak, since she was the one who had _allegedly_—his words, not mine_—_been insulted by Newton.

"Well," she took a deep breath before starting then gave Rose a tight glance, "Rose, here, was having this party last week—"

"Last week? I thought this happened today?"

"It did, but to fully understand why today happened, you have to understand what happened last week, Dad."

He crossed his arms then scowled some more. "Go on."

Bella cleared her throat while Rose smiled innocently at the commissioner.

"Anyway, she had this party, a costume party—"

"A Vicar & Vixens party," Rose corrected, and Charlie cocked his eyebrow at her.

Then Bella went on to defend her friend. "Everyone has them dad. It's a British thing, and yeah, I know we're not British, but Rose has loved the idea since she read it in _Bridget Jones_."

Rose nodded in corroboration, a smirk playing on her lips.

"Anyway...I was on my way there—I mean, I wasn't even gonna go, you know, what with the whole Jake-being-gay thing."

I fake sneezed an "Asshole" in there, and Bella glared at me.

"Sorry."

"No, you're right," Charlie interrupted. "He was an asshole."

I sort of half-grinned at him, and Bella elbowed me, continuing her story. "That's when I met Edward," she said, and that was when my stomach fell. 'Cause this part of the story was not going to bode well for me.

Not to mention the fact I was really hoping to move past this whole conversation. I felt like I'd had it about a hundred times since that day in my apartment.

So I piped in, trying to make the whole encounter seem not quite so grossly inappropriate and more like...you know…an innocent mistake on my part.

"I was just getting off for the night, sir," I blurted out before realizing what I'd said. Commissioner Swan's eyes seemed to want to burn a hole through my skull. "I mean off of my _shift_! I was just getting off of my shift for the night, and I saw Bella here..." I waved toward his daughter and smiled.

"You thought my daughter was a hooker?"

"I didn't...I mean, I did...but I didn't think she was a _bad _hooker. I thought she was very pretty...and she didn't seem very hookerish at all actually. You know...she didn't have that hooker vibe."

"You know many hookers, do you?" he challenged.

"He only knows one—_me_—I mean, no! He doesn't know any hookers, Dad! He just thought I was one."

"See, I liked her...a lot...and I wanted to get to know her—"

"But he didn't want to insult me by not paying me."

"Right, so I left her money. I mean..." I chuckled a little. "I didn't know how much, you know?"

"Right, I mean, it was actually very thoughtful when you think about it," Bella said, trying to defend me.

"And then I kept trying to work the whole thing out in my head. And in conversations with my sister—"

"Your sister? Why would you...?"

"His sister is Alice, Dad. Turns out she's my friend, too, from college."

He rolled his eyes and scratched at the side of his face as I tried to hold my shit together.

"Right, and then she just...showed upout of the blue at my apartment the morning after we—"

Charlie's eyebrows were dancing now, so I decided to skip over the details of that night with Bella.

My mouth would not stop babbling, and I think at one point in the story I noticed Rose, who was just sitting on the sidelines watching this whole conversation of sorts go down with this look of horror on her face, and Newton...well, I'm not really sure where he was at that point, but I didn't really care, either.

All I cared about was Bella and me, and getting us through this fucked up day so we could move forward with...well..._us._

It was Bella's turn to try to explain the next leg of the story. She told him every ugly detail—from Tanya (the real hooker), to explaining away the cat fight _that _day, to telling me it was over, to skipping work in order to have an ice cream-slash-booze fest—and when she got to the part where she reminded him of the conversation he'd walked in on earlier in the day, just before she took Newton to Starbucks, I stepped in.

"That's when I saw them. I mean, I wasn't stalking your daughter or anything...I was getting coffee," I told him. "I dropped some change and…" I shook my head. _Not important._ "Anyway, I ended up outside, and I heard people arguing. When I went to see what it was—"

"Because of his police instincts," Bella added, and I smiled over at her.

"Right...I, um...well, that's when I witnessed ass—I mean, officer Newton here—manhandling your daughter."

Charlie turned his head to face Newton. "You were manhandling my daughter?"

I nodded. "Well, he was trying to." I looked over at Bella with the most respect I'd ever felt for any woman in my entire life, remembering the way she'd handled him. "She knocked him upside the head with her bag before he could really do anything."

"Well," Charlie scowled, this time with confusion washing over his features, "then how'd he end up with all the blood and the swollen nose?"

"Edward," Bella told him, beaming.

"Edward."

She nodded. "He beat the shit out of him for even trying anything like that with me."

"That's not true. He attacked me for questioning _this_—"

Newton didn't get the chance to finish because that was when Rose, for the first time during the entire "meeting", said something herself.

"You call my friend one word that isn't flattering, jackhole, and I'll give you something more than a bloody nose to worry about."

He backed away a little bit more and held his hands up in surrender to her.

"I'm just saying... This is all so..."

"What?" Bella asked him, bitterness seeping from the word. "Ridiculous? Made up? Over exaggerated?"

He didn't respond, and she shook her head at him.

"People like you belong behind bars, not putting other people behind them."

"Well, now, Bella, let's not overreact," her father told her, and I think our mouths fell open just a little. But then the man said something that not only made him my official hero, surpassing _Chips_ _and _John Cusack, but made me want to jump up and kiss him all at the same time.

He turned to the woman abuser standing next to him and said, "Newton, you're fired."

"What? You can't—"

"I can, and I am. And if you try to start up any trouble over this situation, I'll be sure to tell the DEA, the FBI, and any other law enforcement agency about your tendencies toward the not so impeccable."

"But I—"

"I don't want you applying for any jobs in the tri-state area either, son. I don't want you anywhere near this precinct again, and if I do see you..."

He eyed him, and Newton understood. Without another word, he left the office with his head hung low and his feet dragging behind him.

Rose followed him out—I assumed to make sure he left without incident, but then again, I'd learned a thing or two about assuming lately.

**BPOV**

"You know what they say about people who make assumptions, right?" I smirked.

"Get out of my head!" Edward replied, wrapping his arms around me.

Fuck me, he was gorgeous. And when he was close like this I couldn't help smelling him. That's not weird, right? Mmmm, Irish Spring. _Why yes, I would like a little Irish in me._

"Isabella!" Dad said, using his firm, this-is-serious-business voice.

"Yes, Commissioner Swan?"

"What have we learned?"

"Um..." There were a few ways I could answer that question...

_That I missed out on several days of fabulous sex because my ego got bigger than Edward's cock?_

_That my father has terrible taste in men, and I should never let him ambush me with a date again?_

_That mixing tequila with Cherry Garcia will turn my vomit pink?_

"Um..." I repeated. "Not to dress like a hooker?"

Dad's mustache seemed to flap as he snorted. "No, Bells. The next time you dress like a hooker, make sure to take a fucking cab instead of the subway."

Huh. That was actually pretty good advice.

**-PUDDING- **

It wasn't until the heel of my shoe clocked the cab driver in the head that I was even aware of my surroundings. All I could register was Edward's tongue, enthusiastic and skilled, stroking my own like a cat rubbing up against a leg.

My hand ventured down his chest, past the concave dip in his stomach, and settled on his fly. His stomach twitched as my fingers hooked under the waistband of his pants. "Give it to me," I begged, my pussy aching with impatience. I rubbed myself against his knee a couple of times to further demonstrate how serious I was.

"You want it... _here_?" He looked over my shoulder, his brow furrowing.

"Can't...wait," I managed between kisses. It was difficult, but not impossible to undo the button of his fly and carefully, carefully pull at his zipper tooth by agonizing tooth.

"Fuuuuuuuck," Edward ground out. "I want you. I wanna do this so bad, but...I mean, we're in a _cab_."

And there he was, all soft skin poking out of his boxer briefs. As discreetly as I could manage it, I rubbed my thumb over the tip of his cock.

"You're killing me here," he said, his voice cracking.

"Take it out." I giggled.

A grin spread over his face. "You have no idea how much I want to give in."

"Do it!"

"Bella...oh, Jesus, fuck that feels good."

"Release the Kraken!" I demanded, and we both doubled over in hysterics.

"I mentioned you're killing me here, right?" he groaned, zipping up his fly while I pouted.

"I regret nothing! But seriously, we need to get back to your place quick! This midtown traffic is ridiculous."

"Fuck me," Edward said suddenly, slapping himself on the forehead.

"Okay," I agreed, feeling very amenable to such a suggestion.

He shook his head. "No... I mean, fuck _me_, I left my keys at the station."

"Which precinct?"

"First."

"Fuck."

"Me."

I glanced at my watch. "It'll take us an hour to swing back. And, Edward, I swear I'm going to explode if you don't fuck me soon."

"Oh, really?" He cocked a brow.

"For serious. You know women can die from blue balls, right? It's a scientifically proven fact. I _need_ you," I practically whined.

His dick was so hot in my hand as I continued to rub him over his pants. "Alice!" he yelled suddenly.

"Do you usually yell out your sister's name in the throes of passion?"

His face turned the shade of a radish, and he shook his head. "No, I mean..._no_! She has my house keys. And she lives just off 9th."

I groaned out a very un-sexy sound and pressed my face into his chest. He chuckled, tightening his arms around me. "Let us off at 20th and 9th!" he called to the cabbie as politely as he could manage while I sucked on his neck.

The driver grunted in reply. This was the first time I'd ever made out in a moving cab, and somewhere in the back of my mind it occurred to me that my behavior was rather obscene.

**-PUDDING- **

We pounded for several minutes.

"Nothing?"

"No," I whined. "Do it harder; it's not working."

Again he pressed forward, his hand becoming a fist.

"Please." I tried not to sound frustrated, "Let me do it this time!"

"I got it!" He grunted, his face turning red from the exertion.

"It's no use." I threw my hands up, defeated. "She's not coming."

"Yeah," Edward agreed, wiping his sweaty brow on his sleeve. "I guess she's not home."

_Oh, fuck, Jasper...harder!_

"What did you just say?" Edward asked.

"Oh, fuck, Jasper..._harder_?"

"Yeah... Who's Jasper?"

"This guy (who might be gay) that your sister's seeing."

"Why did you call his name just now?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Um...yeah, that wasn't me." I squeezed Edward's hand gently. "I'm sorry. There's a very real chance your sister is having sex on the other side of that door."

"Alice Mary Cullen, you better open this door right the fuck now, or so help me I'll—"

"Stop!" I hissed. "If they're doing what I think they're doing, you don't want to see."

"Get your hands off my sister, you cock sucker!" The entire door shuddered on its frame under Edward's attack. His poor fists, still injured from the blows they sustained on Mike's hard head, bruised like spoiled fruit.

Alice giggled on the other side of the door.

"Please, Edward? Let's just give them a few minutes and then come back. This is all kinds of awkward." I kissed his hand. "And don't you dare injure your fingers...I have plans for them."

"Bella," he groaned, his head falling forward against my shoulder. "He's doing terrible things to my sister in there."

"Edward," I began as kindly as I could, "your sister's a bit of a freak. If anyone is being dominated, it's poor Jasper."

"That's, right, pony-boy, ride me!" Alice cried, and the sounds that immediately followed were kind of hard to decipher: the screech of either a chainsaw or a high-powered dildo, the sharp lick of a whip, and Jasper's ecstatic screams.

It sounded like a pretty good time.

Edward's face turned kind of green, and he ran into the janitor's closet. His loud retching could scarcely be heard over Jasper's sudden, inexplicable mooing.

**A/N Review us, please, because we're into that kind of shit. Thanks for reading!**


	10. The Icing on the Pudding

**A/N: We should seriously be strung up and... well, strung up for taking so long to update this bad boy. Please to be forgiving! Life's ups and downs and hard left turns and monkey wrenches are all very much a bitch sometimes. **

**MANY MANY thanks to twilover76 (_who is currently writing the fantastical "No Ordinary Proposal"_) and Jasper's Destiny for beta'ing and reading over this chapter... and to you all for taking the time to read it! **

**EPOV**

"I am so second hand embarrassed right now," I said with a straight face as Bella and I slid into the cab whose driver had so graciously waited for us.

"Oh... _definitely_. Me too," she added with only a slight grin cracking through her serious facade.

Once we were nestled safely inside the yellow four door and gliding away from the scene of the crime, so to speak, we burst into hysterics.

We were so busy laughing and cackling, on the way back to my place, from what we'd stumbled upon, that it didn't cross our minds to make out like animals in the back of that cab, again.

We tried to delete it from our brains. We tried not to snicker and snort. Really. But sometimes, ya just gotta let go in order to get it all outta your system.

I shook my head as I made all attempts to control my inner twelve-year-old.

"I cannot believe they were..."

"Oh my God, me either!" She guffawed again as we recounted the things we'd witnessed in Alice's apartment that could not be unseen.

Bella was apparently twelve also.

Like two peas in an alien space pod, we were.

"When we saw..."

"Right! And then what they were..."

"I mean, I didn't even think she _owned _one of those..."

"I've known the girl for four years, and I swear to peanut butter and banana pudding sandwiches, I have _never _seen her use something like that. Like _that._"

I stared blankly at my girlfriend.

Then I smiled because... you know... _girlfriend._

"What?"

"You actually eat sandwiches with peanut butter and banana pudding on them?"

She nodded and looked at me like _I_ was the crazy one.

"Together?"

"Yes." She giggled, slapping my arm lightly and burying her face into my neck. She threw a leg over my lap to sit facing me. Bella's lips did not need any introductions as they left hot kisses along my jaw.

I might have groaned a little as she gyrated against me, causing the previously dismissed hard on to return.

"I thought you liked my pudding, Edward," she murmured into my ear, letting her breath warm my skin and her hands warm my dick. "And I know a certain appendage of yours that would taste absolutely scrumptious smothered with thick, creamy banana pudding. I'd most definitely want to lick it clean."

I'm pretty sure I pumped into that hand like a kid getting his first hand job behind the bleachers at school. She just did that to me, made me feel like this was all a first.

And it was, I guess.

I mean, I'm pretty sure I never would've started a relationship out with a hooker... someone I _thought _was a hooker anyway. I'm glad she wasn't a hooker, don't get me wrong, I just think that there was some sort of kismet going on that led me to her that night I'd mistakenly wanted to arrest her is all.

"I love your pudding... I love my pudding _and _your pudding... together," I told her back, pulling at her hips to cause more friction between us.

She moaned. "I want you to want _my _pudding."

"Oh, I definitely want your pudding."

Just as we were getting into it, and I thought I was gonna have some sort of religious experience right there inside my jeans, the cab jolted to a halt and the cab driver yelled at us in some unknown language.

"I think he wants us to get out." Bella giggled and I agreed. We tipped him a little more than we probably should have and tried to apologize for our less than mature behavior in the back of his car, but he was already half way down the block by the time we got a sentence out.

Just as well.

I looked up at my building, then over at Bella. "Well, here we are."

"Yep," she agreed, but she seemed hesitant to actually... go in.

"What's wrong?" I asked her, turning to take her hand in mine. "You okay?"

She swallowed and lowered her head a little. "It's just... I mean, this is it."

"What do you mean, this is it? Of course this is it; I live here." I kinda chuckled, wondering what in the hell her punch line would be but then she looked up at me and seemed worried about something.

"This isn't a one night stand anymore, Edward, is what I'm trying to say. You don't think I'm a hooker, and I don't think you're just some random guy that might help me get over my gay ex-boyfriend."

_Correction: dumb ass, gay ex-boyfriend._

"And?"

"And what if..." she looked up, "...what if it doesn't work out? What if you decide in a week or two that I'm nuts? Because dude, I totally _am _nuts! I'm just worried you know, now that the chase is over you'll wonder what you saw in me in the first place," she rambled, biting at her finger. "I mean, what if..."

"What if you just stop worrying so much, Bella," I said, cutting her off before she could get to anything really gruesome, like what if a bus runs us over while we're standing here talking about what ifs?

"I don't want to," she insisted. "I want this to be real. I want _you _to be real."

I smiled at her. Damn she was cute when she was all OCD like this.

"I'm real, you're real. And trust me when I say... this..." I pulled her into me and slid a hand around her waist while my other one rested against her cheek, "is real."

I kissed her and it seemed like it was enough to convince her, because after, she grinned and bit that bottom lip of hers like she was getting some really evil ideas inside that beautiful head of hers.

"Let's go upstairs," she said, and then she pulled me along as she hurried through the lobby of my building and caught the elevator just as the doors were about to close. "But there's still something I need to tell you."

**Bella POV**

It was all I could do not to start humping his leg on the ascent up to his floor. Of course, my eyes were glued to his crotch the entire ride, and I whimpered as I noticed the elevator wasn't the only thing rising.

Shit, I wanted him so badly... but there was something we really needed to discuss first. I wasn't going to screw things up this time since we kind of had issues with communicating properly.

I'd never been one of those girly-girl types—the kind that talked about their feelings and demanded a commitment before making the beast with two back. I don't know... maybe if I were we never would have found ourselves in this mess in the first place.

Whatever. I didn't believe in regret, because regretting the past negated the future.

I turned to Edward when we reached his door. "I think we should discuss terms."

He made a strange sound in his throat that I could only liken to a dying moose.

"Uh, what? Terms…like money, or—"

"You didn't just say that." I placed my hands on my hips and tried to scowl, but I was too turned on to screw my face up into a sour expression. The only thing I wanted to screw was Edward. "I want your cock." Wait, that wasn't what I meant to say!

"I want you to have my cock." He pressed his forehead against mine and exhaled a long breath.

"Do you want me, Edward?" I asked, because, well, a girl needed reassurance.

"Does this answer your question?" he countered, placing my hand on his crotch. Little Edward (who wasn't little at all) twitched in greeting.

"No. I mean, yeah, it's hard and stuff... but I want you to tell me how much you want me."

"I want you, Bella. And not just for the sex."

I raised an eyebrow. "You don't want the sex?"

"No, no, I do!" he said, burying his face into the crook of my neck. "I want the sex...very fucking much. I just mean I want to be with you... I want you, and the sex, and us... I want all of it."

"Ah." I nuzzled against his head, his mouth hot against my skin. I fought to find my voice while his wicked tongue worked in tandem with his teeth. "Those are the terms I'd like to discuss."

"Terms of endearment?"

"Precisely. Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I love you."

A slow grin crawled across his face, and for a second I became afraid that he'd start singing "so what am I so afraid of" in response to my declaration.

But a full sixty seconds later, Edward had failed to reply.

"So... I guess. I mean..." I bit my finger instead of finishing my sentence, but Edward pried it out of my mouth. "This is so fucked up."

"Hey, now... there's nothing fucked up about loving someone."

"Right... well, that's comforting. I mean, I get it. Love takes time. It's just... do you think down the road sometime you might love me, too?" I wanted to crawl into a vat of pudding and hide.

"Bella, and please look at me when I say this, there is no way I'm ever letting you go ever again. I don't care how pissed off you get at me the next time I say something completely idiotic, and believe me when I say there will be a next time, or how fucked up we seem together. I love you so much I can't see straight." He squeezed my hand, bringing my fingers to his mouth. He kissed every fingertip before pulling me so tightly against him I could feel every strong ridge of his body, every nook and cranny... and I _really_ loved his nooks and crannies.

"So you..."

"I definitely love you," he repeated.

"I love you, too!"

"And there's absolutely no rush with the sex," Edward said, his voice solemn despite the tower he'd erected in his his jeans.

"Shut up and fuck me!" I squealed.

"Alrighty then!"

I grappled for the fly of his pants as he pulled my shirt over my head with enthusiastic hands. As the hem got caught on my chin, effectively blinding me, I realized we were both a little too over eager, and if we didn't slow the fuck down, this make up sex session would be over before it began.

"Strip!" I ordered, shooing him away. The poor guy seemed reluctant to let go of my tits.

"But I want to undress you," he almost whined, his voice adorably pitiful.

"Goddammit, CUMasen, take your cock out now, or I swear I'll start mooing!"

"Yes, ma'am." He saluted me with a delicate shudder. Without another word, I watched as he pushed his jeans over his hips and struggled out of his shirt. Drool collected at the corner of my mouth at the sight of his near naked body. I wanted to kiss and taste every inch of him, so much so that I forgot to take my own damn clothes off!

Stepping out of my skirt, I wrapped my arms around my torso, standing in the unforgiving light of the hallway in only my underwear.

"Take them off, pudding girl."

"It's really bright in here." I bit my lip.

"Since when are you shy?"

"I'm not!" I protested. "It's just... we've only ever done this at night, and you look like an underwear model while I..." My voice trailed off.

"Are you kidding me?" In two long strides he was beside me, pulling me to his bare chest. My breasts flattened against him, and I could feel his heart racing against my skin. "Do you have any idea how beautiful and sexy you are?"

"I'm alright, I guess, plain or whatever."

He shook his head, angling my chin so I was forced to maintain eye contact with him. "Fucking gorgeous, Bella. By far the most beautiful, sexy woman I've ever seen. And how a motherfucker like me got lucky enough to love you... shit, it's like I won the lottery."

"The way you regard me is ridiculous." I grinned. "But, fuck me, I love you so much."

This time was different somehow. I had expected things to be pretty hot and frenzied, given how much we wanted each other and how long we'd gone without, but rather than a hard, quick albeit wholly satisfying fuck, Edward lay me down on his ridiculous sheets and made love to me with his eyes before he even touched me.

"You're it for me, Swan," he whispered, kissing a trail down my neck to my breast.

A moan tore out of me in response. I wanted to say something sweet, tell him how much I adored and loved and treasured him, but all I could manage was a porn star groan. But still, he grinned down at me like he understood.

My hands pushed into his firm ass as he rode me…slow, slow, and oh, so deep. I needed him harder, and I might have growled a little as he continued on with an agonizingly slow pace.

I couldn't explain it. Making love to Edward wasn't at all about getting off (okay, maybe it was in part). Feeling his body, hot and slick with sweat, move over me almost frustrated me because I couldn't get him close enough. My fingers dug into the corded muscles of his back, and my inner thighs squeezed his hips, clutching him to me.

"Need you," I whispered, biting the tender flesh of his neck.

"Need you, too. Always." Hot breath, wet tongue, sweet kisses all over my neck and breasts... I clung to him, moving my hands down to his lower back and raising my head so I could kiss his chest. He tasted like salt, but he smelled so clean and minty. I seriously wanted to bathe myself in him, to never lose the evidence of our bodies' connection. I loved it all—the smell of his skin on mine, the tiny bruise his devious kisses left just above my nipple.

"I'll never have enough of this," I warned him.

"Bella," he whispered from somewhere between my breasts, "fuck, neither will I."

He pulled back and rolled us over until my body draped over his. I giggled as his eager hands eased me back onto his cock.

"I need to watch you come," he said with a thrust. "Oh shit, you're killing me here."

"Oh really?" I gyrated my hips, feeling so full with him inside me. "Well, who am I to deny a dying man's wish?"

There was something about being on top that made it impossible to stave off my orgasm. Not that I had anything against coming, it was just that I tended to orgasm like a man: only once.

But, fuck me, what an orgasm it was! I cried out, bearing down and riding him hard as he held my hips.

"Shit, Bella, I can feel you squeezing me." His breath was hot in my ear, and I fell forward, crying out into his chest.

"Come, Cullen," I pleaded, exhausted.

That was when he started mooing.

"What are you doing?" I giggled.

"Being silly. I came just before you did. You were too busy screaming my name to notice." He wrapped his arms around me and rolled us over so that we were spooning.

"I did not scream your name!"

"Sure you did." He chuckled. "You said 'oh God, oh God, oh God'."

I smacked him but said, "I love you, Edward Cullen," because I really, _really_ did love him—a lot, even if he was insufferably ridiculous.

"I love you, Bella Swan," he replied, handing me a stuffed monkey. "Here, you get to cuddle Starsky tonight."

"What're _you _gonna cuddle?" I mumbled.

"You, baby." He kissed my forehead. "From now on, only you."

**Edward POV**

Bella and I meant what we said to each other that day. We were in love.

The kind of love you feel deep down in your bones. _And not just the bone in my boxers..._

Who knew how it happened or why but really, who cares? We'd found each other, and we weren't letting go. We'd make it work.

In fact, within six months of _really _dating each other - and I mean, like, dating without all the hoopla dramatics of not mistaking her for a hooker or anything - we were talking about moving in together.

It made sense, since we were pretty much living together anyway, except that neither of us had clothes at the other one's place, and we were paying rent on two places instead of one. So we let her lease run out, and we recruited Emmett and some of the other guys from the precinct to help lug all of her things over to my apartment.

It was the bigger of the two places and closer to work for both of us.

About a year after that, and with some serious coaxing of Charlie Swan, to convince him I wasn't gay or anything, I asked her to marry me.

So we pretty much did things right.

I mean, other than that whole thing where I thought she was a hooker at first and all.

And in the end, what did it really matter? Because we got there... how does that song go? First comes the girl of your dreams, then comes LOVE... then comes marriage... then cums Edward so hard he knocks his wife up with twins one night.

Something like that anyway.

Today, she's still my wife, still the love of my life, and she still likes to make inappropriate references to pudding cups... unfortunately, even when our children beg for them at the grocery store.

I'd doubted for a long time, in my twenties, that Mrs. Right had actually existed.

I'd all but given up when I met Bella that night outside the metro.

She proved me wrong.

So take it from me, if you happen to run across the perfect girl, even if it might seem like less than perfect circumstances, latch on to her, get past the bumps in the road and the crazy Russian-slash-Jamaican hookers and all the other crazy shit in between... and never let her go. You may not get another chance at that kind of love.

Oh, and never, _ever _make sexual innuendos with your girlfriend-turned-wife using pudding cups. Because there's a chance said pudding will turn out to be a favorite with your future children.

It's just wrong.

**A/N: And that, ladies & gentlemen, is what we in show biz like to call... The End. **

**Okay everybody pretty much calls it _the end_ but it sounded cool, right?**

**We really truly double dog, tripple scoop, banana pudding sundae hope you liked it and had some fun! **

**Thank you to everyone who pimped, read, reviewed, and supported us while writing this bit of fun. Thanks to Sue, Perry, Tina, and Heather for beta/pre-reading. **

**SOME FYIs: 1) PENAL CODE is up for a GIGGLE SNORT AWARD! ("Funniest Fumble"). Go vote for your faves and thanks for the nom! Lots to choose from this year! And 2) Flanny & The Freak have committed to contributing an Alice-Jasper outtake to Penal Code for the Fandoms 4LLS. What exactly happened back in that apartment anyway? Donate to find out! More deets on the blog at _ .com._**


	11. Chapter 11

"**Alice and the Jersey Cow"**

**A Penal Code Outtake submitted for the Fandom 4LLS, written by BellaFlan & FictionFreak95**

**What was happening on the other side of the door when Edward and Bella visited Alice's apartment?**

**Part 1 - ALICE's POV**

I was so excited.

I mean, like, _really_ _excited _to finally be getting my crazy on with Jasper Whitlock, sexy ass waiter extraordinaire.

_Sa-wooon._

I even went out and purchased a brand new Sexpander Multifunctional Personal Pleasurizer G-Spot Finder Vibrator last night and practiced with it to make sure I could explain how he could get me off while I was on top of him, getting my pony play on for the night.

You know what they say: save a horse… _ride a cowboy!_ And I was gonna do just that. Jasper was one fine specimen, and I wasn't about to let this opportunity pass me by.

He was due at my apartment any minute, so I did a quick inventory check of... well, things, before he got there.

_Handcuffs... _Check_._

_Feather tickler… _Check_._

_Nipple clamps… wax… Oh!_

Urgent knocking from the front of the apartment startled me, and I forced myself to slow down so as not to appear _too _overly anxious about our evening together.

When I opened the door, though, my eyes grew wide at the sight of him in his tight blue jeans, black buckle boots and a vintage tee that said everything, as in "Iron Maiden".

And the hat. He'd worn the cowboy hat.

_Oh my..._

His pecs were screaming "Bite me," and the bulge in his pants reminded me that size really _does _matter. I couldn't _wait _to prove that theory correct.

"Can I … come in?" he asked with that same charming Southern smirk I'd fallen for the first time I laid eyes on him, and for a moment, I forgot how to speak.

There was also a distinct possibility that I drooled. A little.

"Alice?" He dipped his head but kept his eyes trained on mine, and I blushed like a fourteen-year-old with no experience. I moved out of his way as I wiped the saliva from the corner of my mouth. Discreetly, of course.

"Of course, Jasper, how silly of me. Come right in."

While he blathered on about something he'd picked up for us on the way over and before he could make it to the couch, I was on him like white on rice. Racing toward him like a psychopath, my momentum knocked the two of us down and into the cushions of my mother's old sectional sofa, and my lips were on his with a determination that even Scarlett O'Hara would find intimidating.

I wanted to fiddle his dee... His _dee _of course being his _dick_.

"Mmm," I mumbled, and then lifted my hips just slightly, giggling with excitement. His hard-on was poking at my belly but there was something just a little off about it. "Somebody's ready," I cooed, wondering what he had hiding inside those tight jeans of his.

Then I realized... that was no hard-on poking my stomach.

"What in the...?"

Jasper smiled up at me. "I thought we could try somethin'... a little different tonight... if ya don't mind."

"Oh, I don't mind _different_, Jasper. I've got cuffs and whips and chains."

"Oh my."

"That's right, baby," I told him, dipping my head into the crook of his neck to take a nibble. He groaned in response as I dry humped him on my couch.

But then I felt it again, and I had to ask, "What exactly is that anyway?"

That's when he suggested we move things to the bedroom and asked me to bring my toys with me.

…**... Jersey Cow...**

Once Jasper explained he wanted to be tied up submissive-style, and I squealed with joy over getting to play the part of the Domme for the evening. I turned the lights down, lit some candles (for wax play later on) and cuffed him to my bed post with the pink fuzzy cuffs I'd purchased at "Spankthemonkey dot com". Not before removing that silly shirt of his though. I needed to see, touch and bite every part of that man's anatomy before the night was over.

"Take my pants off," he rasped out after I blindfolded him, and I could already feel the excitement that had been building up move to between my legs.

I twisted his nipple, and he yelped.

"I'm the _Domme_; don't tell me what to do," I demanded (playfully of course), and then began my decent along his torso until I met with… the button fly.

All attempts I made to keep things slow and sexy failed as I made my way through the buttons of those jeans. When I finally got them all undone, I began pulling at the denim roughly, anxiously anticipating my time on the pony express, but...

"Um... Jasper?"

He wriggled under me and smiled.

I scooched backward a little to get a better look.

"What the hell is _that_?"

It was some sort of contraption, obviously, and as I tilted my head to try to get a better look, I realized at least what its purpose was.

_Oh my..._

"It's my makeshift tranny device."

"Uh..."

"It makes it easier to tuck my dick up."

I was glad he was wearing that blindfold, dammit. I would have hated for him to see my jaw on the floor like that.

When there was no response from me, he clarified.

"See, I like to be fucked."

I choked a little... Was he saying he wanted _me_... to...

"In the ass."

"I get it!" I blurted. Half of me was repulsed, but the other half was highly curious as to what the motherfuck I was supposed to do with that information.

Then he blindly reached over to the end table and pulled something out of my bag of tricks.

He held it up in my general direction. "You'll need to bind my feet up above me."

I took the vibrator from his hands and stared at it blankly for a moment.

"And... you want me to do _what... _with the _what_?"

I knew Jasper was a little out there… crazy even… but this was a little out of the ordinary… even for me.

He wriggled some more. "I want ya to fuck me good."

A choking sound escaped me as I laughed nervously.

"Jasper, I don't..."

"Come on, Alice, it's easy," he nodded his head, gesturing toward the bedroom door. "There's a strap on in my bag."

Looking over at the black duffel bag that sat next to my dresser, I was suddenly a little disappointed that he wasn't up for me riding him like a rodeo competitor on a wild mustang but... it did sound kind of interesting. I mean, seeing how I was the Domme and all... the control I'd have... and seeing what it was like to be Edward..._ I mean a man._..! from a man's point of view, sex could be...

"Um.. okay."

I pulled my little kink-a-holic's jeans the rest of the way off, but left his socks on since it was a little chilly in the apartment and then hopped off the bed to undress myself and go put his contraption on. After slipping the vibrating dildo into place, I stopped at the full length mirror next to the dresser and took a good look at myself before going back to the bed. And Jasper.

_Interesting._

I swayed my hips from side to side, causing the dildo to slap my legs on either side and I stifled a giggle. Then I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth as I looked over at Jasper, wondering if I could actually do this or not.

_I can do this. I can totally do this. _

If Edward could fuck a hooker... or, someone he thought was a hooker, anyway, and still live happily... then I could pretend to be a man for an evening. Right?

I cleared my throat a little. "So um... how do I...? I mean where do I...?"

Jasper's smirk was doing me in, that's for sure. I'd do anything if he would just smile like that for me until eternity was over.

"You'll need some lube... It's in the side pocket of my jeans," he said. While I searched for the substance that would hopefully make this a little less awkward for both of us, he told me, "I sure wish I could see what ya look like right now, Alice."

I looked up at him and saw his groin throb a little and I wondered if it hurt to get a hard-on while he was all tucked away like that.

"Found it," I said, getting on my knees as he lifted his legs above his head. I tied each ankle with more of the soft binding material I'd found online and then was face to face with... Jasper's ass.

It was hairier than I would have imagined, but other than that, I suppose it looked like most asses.

I squeezed some lube out of the tube onto my fingers and hesitantly at first, rubbed it against him.

Jasper moaned. "Yeah, baby, just like that."

Hearing his desperation was when I decided maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.

**Part 2 - JASPER's POV**

My momma always told me to be a gentleman, first and foremost. _Mind your manners_, she would say, and I reckon you could apply that philosophy to almost any situation.

"Thank you, kindly," I managed with a groan as Alice pushed a fingernail into my man-hole. "Get in there good, now."

"Okie-dokie." She giggled, and my cock bucked in protest against its restraints like a wild horse. "Jasper?"

"Yeah, doll?" _Please don't stop, pretty baby. It's been so long since I've gotten my freak on, good and proper._

"I don't... I mean, I've never done this before. Not sex... just this particular _kind _of sex." She thrust her finger in deep suddenly, like a scared gopher retreating into the ground having been spooked by its shadow.

"Look, little girl," I said all solemn-like. "If you're up for a party, we can rock and roll here. But if you're not hunky dory with ass play, we can try somethin' else."

"Like what?"

"Well, I'm purt' near up for anything you can think of."

She rolled me onto my stomach, her hands trailed up my back, fingers biting into the knotted muscles there. Rubbing, just rubbing all the stress and pain away. "Goddamn," I drawled, arching off the bed. "You sure have strong hands for such a little thing."

"Well, I work out. A lot. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're gonna want to see when I take my clothes off, Jazzy-poo. Do you mind if I take your blindfold off?"

"Course not. I wouldn't wanna be missin' no show."

The blinders fell off my eyes, and there stood the most beautiful sight I ever did gander: Alice in nothing but a pair of 'em tiny shorts that aren't quite panties but definitely ain't pants. Her tits were firm and round - no more than a handful, and my hands flexed, desperate to be freed from them fuzzy cuffs to measure. Stifling a groan, I buried my head into the pillow.

"There's something I'd like to try," she said, waving a buttplug in the air like it was her freak flag.

"Your druthers is my ruthers," I assured her.

She bit her lip and freed my trussed limbs. I might have pouted some when she slung her titties into a leather bra, because she gave my ass a firm smack, clicking her tongue.

"I will not tolerate disobedience from you, sub. Do you understand?"

"Yes'm."

My little filly meant business.

"Hey, cowboy," she taunted, "think you can handle being more cow than boy?"

I grinned, catching her drift. "I reckon I can, with the proper equipment... like a tail."

Alice's eyes grew darker. "Get on all fours, and no more talking. The only vocalization I'll allow is mooing. Do you have any questions, sub, er, I mean, cow?"

"Mooooo," I said, shaking my head.

Alice proceeded to milk my cock with her fist, and I screamed out every bovine sound I could think of.

Truth be told, I wasn't much of a cowboy, but I sure made one heck of a boycow.

"Where are you from, exactly?" Alice asked, removing my nipple clamps.

"Honestly?"

She nodded.

"Jersey."

…**... Jersey Cow...**

_**As recorded through the security camera outside of apartment 4G:**_

A short, brunette female (not dressed like a hooker) and a tall, red-headed male cop (dressed suspiciously like an undercover John) are huddled outside the door.

_**Voices picked up from the other side:**_

"Is that a Wii ya got there, little missy?"

"Sure is."

"And is that—nah, it can't be…"

"Oh my God, do you play Tip the Cow?"

"Sure do! I've just never seen it on a Wii before."

"I'm the reigning champion of my, er, special gaming community online. My friend Emmett jail-broke my Wii so I could play it. I've never met anyone in real life who played!"

"Well, now ya have."

"No one's ever beat me at it, cowboy."

"That's 'cause you ain't played me yet."

"Oh really..."

**Male and female visitors proceed to pound on the door.**

"Mooooo!"

**Door flies open, revealing a sexually ambiguous hucow with a braided tail hanging out of his ass and a Wii-mote clenched between his teeth. A small female dressed as a milkmaid sits on his back.**

"Howdy!"

**A/N – Thanks for reading! Love you, Jo xoxo**


	12. Playing with Pudding

"**Playing with Pudding"**

**A Penal Code outtake submitted originally to the Fandom4LLS cause**

**Written by: BellaFlan and FictionFreak95**

**Rated R for Ridiculous**

**Pre-read by: Obsmama, Twilover76**

**Beta'd by: SueBee0619**

**Edward**

It's been a crazy couple of weeks at the precinct. In fact, it's been a hell of a month all the way around for Bella and me. Between the crazy night shifts that she's been picking up (no, not as a hooker, just to be clear) and the twelve hour a day seminars I've been sent to attend, we've barely seen each other. When we see the kids, it's either to tell them goodbye in the mornings when we leave or kiss them goodnight when we tuck them in at bedtime.

I've missed my family.

But now, finally, we have a weekend together to wind down and do quality family things. Like cleaning the house and grocery shopping. It sounds mundane, but I'm just glad the four of us are together at the same time for more than five minutes.

It's been going rather smoothly too, until someone asks a nonchalant question about a very _not_ nonchalant subject.

"Mommy, can we get pudding?"

Bella turns away, like she's looking for something on the shelves as she tries desperately to either hide a smile or suppress a belch. Honestly, it's hard to tell. She presses her lips together as we stroll down the snack aisle of the _Shop and Go_, but I know what's going through that head of hers, because it's going through mine too.

_Please, no._

Three weekends ago, our babysitter let Vanessa have a snack cup to stop her from whining about something of no consequence, I'm sure, and she hasn't stopped asking about it since.

"Nooooooo pudding," I casually sing as I avoid eye contact with our daughter. I'm hoping we can get past this section and find something else for them to beg for. But our son, EJ, has other plans. Now that he knows I don't want them to have it, he wants it even though he probably didn't two seconds ago.

"Yeah! Pudding!" he screams. "I want 'nilla!"

"No, chocolate," Nessa corrects him. And now Bella and I lock eyes, attempting to come up with a plan by performing a Jedi mind-meld that only parents of hysterical toddlers can manage.

"Hold on, kids," I start. "There are lots more snacks to choose from down-"

"Nilla puddannnnng!" EJ screams, louder than before. We are collecting stares now. This could get messy.

"Batte, batte. Choc. Oh. _Latte_!" Nessa sings a song from Dora the Explorer, letting each syllable out as sharply as she can, and I want to pull my hair out. Considering the fact that baldness supposedly skips a generation, and my father had a pretty full head of hair at the ripe age of eighty-two, I try not to do that very often anymore. Just in case.

"NILLA!" EJ stands his ground. Loudly.

"Oh my God, kids!" Bella warns, but they're already at it again.

"I...want..._chocolate_!"

"Listen-"

"Nilla! Nilla! Nilla!"

"Gonna eat some nilllllll...ah!" EJ sings, then he continues, like a conga line repetition. "Gonna eat some pud...ding!"

And Nessa mocks him now. "Gonna eat some choc...late... pud...ding!"

They both laugh, but I've had it. Imagining my daughter eating someone's pudding sends me right over the edge.

"Nobody is eating anybody's pudding!" I finally yell from in between the two of them. If EJ's look of shock doesn't tell me I just crossed a line, the quivering lip of our daughter, Vanessa, should.

I hate the quivering lip. The quivering lip is like the kiss of death. It kills me.

I can't back down, though. Dr. Phil says follow through whether you're right or wrong and goddammit, I'm following through on this.

Until I catch the expression on Bella's face as she stands across from me. Her eyes are wide and her mouth is hanging open like she wants to catch some flies today.

I blink, suddenly speechless.

No, Bella's got this. I wink at her, waiting for her to show off the motherly instincts that she's so easily slipped into since our children arrived into this world.

"Shut the fuck up! Seriously. What the fuck is everyone's problem? And goddamn it, Edward, it's just motherfucking pudding." She tears opens two packages and hands one to each kid. "You both get Chocolate Fudge because it's on sale. I love you guys, I do, but if you pull that shit with me again, I'm sending you to Grandpa's place for the rest of the summer."

"B-bella," I stutter.

"You too, Edward."

Okay. I was _not_ expecting that.

"Are you okay?" I ask her as we hit the checkout.

"Yep," she answers, leafing through some cheesy cocksucking rag mag while we wait for the lady in front of us to use her two _million _coupons. I mean, how many questions can one _have _about a fucking coupon? You buy a product, you get a discount, end of story.

"Why do people coupon anyway?" I ask my wife as I watch the woman at the cash register argue with the customer over the fact that the cereal she's purchasing isn't the size her coupon says it should be. "Most of the time they're for products you don't even need. So what? You buy the shit to get the discount? But then it goes bad, because, _hello_, you don't even use it. In the end, you actually spend _more _than you would have because you have to go back to the store and get the thing you should have gotten in the first place."

Bella looks up from her magazine, eyeing me like she's considering what size pine box to bury me in after she murders me.

"Right?"

She's stone faced when I see an offer on one of the cans of black beans we grabbed today. I tear it off and hold it up for her, showing all my teeth.

"Coupon?"

Bella throws her reading material back onto the rack, completely ignoring me as it finally becomes our turn to pay, and I spend time keeping the kids entertained with silly father faces and shit while she takes care of business.

As we walk to the car, I'm still a little thrown by her outburst in the store, followed by her quiet annoyance in line. I keep my mouth shut, though. I know by now, it's best to just let Bella come out with whatever it is that's bothering her in her own time. Otherwise, things could get ugly.

**Isabella**

Edward is sulking. I can tell—it's in the way his bottom lip pops out a little too far. He runs his hands through his crazy hair, creating tufts like waves on a choppy ocean. He gives me a timid smile and glances at the backseat of the car to make sure everyone has their seatbelts on.

"Daddy's sulking." I grin, glancing back at Nessa's chocolate covered face.

She smiles that crazy grin only a child can pull off without looking psychotic. "Mother trucking peach fizz," she says and wipes her hand on her brother's shirt. "EJ, shut up shut up shut up shut up."

"Mommy, she's touching me!" EJ replies. "Mother trucker."

"Vanessa, stop annoying your brother. EJ, no one likes a narc. And Edward, stop sulking."

"What? I'm not!" Edward says...sulkily.

"I'm sorry, Edward, but you were causing a scene."

"Uh...right. _I_ was causing a scene. Hey, um, are you feeling alright?"

"Sure." I shrug, and Jeebus help me, I'm staring at his crotch. Our kids are not even two feet away, and I'm thinking about sex. "Hey, do you think Alice would take the kids this afternoon? I want to do something."

"Probably, but do you really want to schlep them all the way to Manhattan?"

"I'll make it worth your while," I pretty much purr, walking my fingers up his thigh, stopping just short of his pistol. And he's not packing heat, if you catch my drift. I mean, except for the heat he packs usually. You know, his cock.

I'm not good with subtle. And yeah, I'm not completely oblivious—I get that I'm acting a little irrational this afternoon for whatever reason. My moods seemed to have taken on more of an even keel after Edward and I had the kids. Everything's not always perfect all the time, but it's perfect for us.

But I digress.

So...Edward's dick. I need a piece of that, and soon.

"You guys wanna visit Aunt Alice's this afternoon?" I ask over my shoulder.

"Woo-hoo!" they cheer and high five one another as if they won the lottery.

"Mama?"

"Yeah, Nessa?"

"Do you think Uncle Jasper will be home? I want to play cowboy on the Wii."

-PUDDING-

There's just no good way to stand on a street corner in a pleather skirt and ratty fishnet without calling attention to oneself. I run my fingers through my hair - a nervous habit - and cringe as my fingers tangle in the crusted-over hairsprayed knots.

A creeper keeps staring at me from across the block, and I keep my head down, pretending to find my red stilettos fascinating.

_Where are you?_ I text Edward.

Dude down the block waves like he's trying to get my attention. I'm considering losing the shoes and high-tailing it to the nearest precinct when my phone chimes.

_Traffic is nuts. Looking for parking. _

Me and my brilliant ideas.

_Hurry! I'm on 40th near the old coffee shop. _I'm pretty sure I'm about to bite my lower lip clear off my face. And it's so fucking cold all the sudden. My nipples are indicating the turkey is ready... the turkey being the creeper from across the street. He's about fifteen feet closer than he was a few minutes ago.

_You're waiting in the street? I thought you were shopping!_

Well, shit. I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I'm becoming all sorts of paranoid. I had asked Edward to drop me off at Victoria's Secret about thirty minutes ago, feigning the need to purchase crotchless panties. Can I just digress for a second to mention no woman in the history of any time ever actually _needed _crotchless panties? Cute bikinis or a sexy thong, sure, but there is literally no reason to have underwear that bares the gotch. Why not cut out the middle man and go commando?

Once, Edward dropped me off before taking the kids to Alice's, I called Jasper for the address of the sex store he frequents. And not that I even _want_ to know these kind of details about my sister-in-law's sex life, but let's just say her fiancé has some freaky shit in his arsenal of, er, sexessories.

Two words: tranny device.

My phone buzzes again. _Bella? Where are you._

I grin as I spot Edward looking around for me. He squints his eyes as if to see better, pushing his messy dark-red hair away from his face. Creeper stops creeping and gives my husband an appraising glance as Edward finally notices me.

"Jesus fuck. Fuck me, just, fuck."

I wave, laughing at the string of obscenities pouring out of Edward's mouth.

"Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck a duck, fuck."

"Hey, sexy!" I call out, taking a few wobbly steps and pushing the girls out. "Looking for a good time?"

"Well...that depends, sugar. Are you working tonight?" Edward takes my hand before I trip over my own damn feet in these stupid shoes.

"Can I interest you in a pudding cup?"

He drags his tongue over his lower lip. He does this because he _thinks_ it's sexy. The man doesn't need to _try_ to be sexy, he just is. I wish he'd stop licking his goddamn mouth.

"How much?" he kind of growls, and I suppress a giggle.

"Well, let's see...what's the going rate for a hand job again? Fifty dollars?"

And that's when I feel something cold and metal lock around my wrist. At first I think Edward is getting kinky in the middle of the street, but then I notice he's_ not_ the one cuffing me.

"Alright," creeper-from-across-the-block says. "You're under arrest for soliciting."

"I'm not a hooker," I scream, and it's like déjà vu all over again.

**Edward**

_Oh fuck. Not again. _

I start trying to explain to the officer what's going on. I start out strong, confident.

"She's not a hooker," I tell him, then follow up with a little bit of nervous laughter. "I mean, I'm a cop." His brow takes a nose dive and he starts reaching for his cuffs. This is when I realize my attempt to straighten this out has failed.

_Double fuck_.

"No, you don't understand," I tell him, but he's already calling this in.

"Oh, I understand alright, you sick fuck."

"No!" I scream, pulling at the roots of my hair, trying to think. "We were just... I wasn't _paying _her or anything, she's my... I mean we..."

"I'm pregnant!" Bella blurts out with her hands stretched toward us. Not only is the officer, who's determined to make a collar today, silenced, but um... me the fuck too.

"What?" the two of us ask in unison and that sly grin of Bella's appears as the cop gives me an even dirtier look than before.

"You're just racking up the charges today, aren't you, _officer_."

I blink twice and it hits me what my wife is up to here.

"I'm pregnant," she blathers, tears now spilling down her face. "And maybe I haven't eaten enough today, I dunno, but I'm not a hooker. Fuck, it's been years._ Years _since anyone's accused me of soliciting. It's like this weird-ass theme in my life I can't seem to shake." She pulls a handkerchief out of her bra and dabs her eyes. "Edward, explain it. I'm pregnant, and you're my husband. Tell him."

And she is genius.

I smile at the man, finding my confidence again.

"Cullen, I'm Cullen," I explain, then clear my throat. "I mean, Officer Cullen, and this Bella Cullen. She used to be Bella Swan. As in, the Chief's daughter." I finally get it all out there and realization finally hits him, too. His expression changes then he stares blankly as understanding washes over him.

Everyone's heard the story by now.

_Everyone_.

"Ohhhhh," he breathes out. "That is..." he looks over at Bella, gives her an approving once over then smiles and nods to me with as much of a professional demeanor as he can muster considering the situation. "Okay, well, carry on then. Sorry to bother you, Officer Cullen."

One more smile to Bella. "Mrs. Cullen."

She winks and he walks off with his tail between his legs, no doubt hoping upon hope that Charlie doesn't hear about this little incident.

I'm chuckling to myself as I watch him go, remembering once upon a time with Bella, when it was a lot more difficult to get out of a situation much like this one.

I turn to her and she's beautiful, staring up at me with the most gorgeous smile on her lips.

I take her face in my hands and laugh out loud now, appreciating every inch of the outfit she's wearing before kissing her.

"There is never a dull fucking moment with you, Mrs. Cullen," I murmur with my head resting against hers. She keeps her eyes closed as she answers me.

"You have no goddamn idea, Edward."

"Let's get you home." I pull us apart, taking her hand in mine as we head back to the car.

"Quick thinking by the way," I tell her.

"Hmm?"

"With that pregnancy announcement to get him to shut up back there."

"Edward..."

I laugh again, thinking about it.

"I mean, did you _see _that guy's face?"

"Dude..."

"You've got to be the single most ingenious woman I have ever met."

She sighs.

"No, seriously."

"Edward." She stops suddenly, jerking my arm back in the process.

I'm still giddy but the look on her face is frustration incarnate.

"What's wrong?"

"I wasn't fucking with him."

My brow curls upward. He's clearly confused. "I'm sorry, what?"

She takes my other hand in hers and looks up at me like she's a school teacher trying to explain something extremely complicated to a Kindergartener. She seems worried all of a sudden, just before she speaks.

And when she does, I realize I'm the idiot, not the cop.

"I'm really pregnant...and you're an asshole."

"You're..."

"Preg...nant," she says, slower this time, grinning. "And you're an asshole."

Her words sink in as I'm standing there, losing my balance. I vaguely recall the last time she gave me this news and we were happy. Because, you know, one of each … but three?

And just as I'm beginning to understand the near future, meaning mood swings, cravings and late night diaper changes... _and that's just me_... I hit the pavement. Face first.

An eternity later, I'm waking up in a hospital bed and I'm surrounded by people. Lots and lots of people. Including my hooker resembling wife and her father, the Chief of Police, Charlie Swan. The kids are here too and I'm suddenly concerned.

"Am I dead?" I croak out. Bella laughs and in turn, so do our children. Charlie, however, is standing there, crossed-armed and scowly. That's how I know I'm not dead, by the way. There's a much nicer version of Chalie Swan in my afterlife, I'm sure.

At least I hope so.

"What happened?" I ask, rubbing the sore spot on the back of my head that's throbbing all of a sudden.

"You fell pretty hard; knocked over a restaurant lunch specials stand on your way down. It clocked you pretty good."

Charlie's eyebrows do a weird tango as his mouth quirks, and he pats Bella on the back.

"I guess since he's fine now, I'll leave you two alone," he tells her, then eyes me and says, "Don't leave my baby husbandless in her condition, son. I'll pull you outta the afterlife and kick your ass ten ways to Sunday."

I nod and it hurts, but I don't show it. Charlie hates weakness.

"Yes, sir."

He leaves and I breathe a little easier. Then Bella leans down and kisses me softly.

"You scared me a little, shithead."

I have to laugh at my wife's version of tender loving care. After all, it's a promotion from _asshole_.

"I'm sorry, it was just... your news caught me off guard a little."

She twists her mouth up and scrunches her nose. "Are you mad?"

Am I mad. This woman. I smile for her.

"I am so far from mad - I'm like the _anti-mad_. Are you kidding?" I look at our two little people who are now dancing as a hospital worker brings in a tray with something on it that they obviously are very happy about. "Three will be great."

We watch the kids, and Bella snorts.

"Three will be seriously fucked, Edward, who are we kidding?" she muses, but I smile. It'll be _great._

"PUDDING!" EJ and Vanessa scream in unison. The nurse hands over the tray and leaves, probably in fear for his life. Then the kids fight over who gets the pudding cup, and I let my head fall back, laughing.

Bella exhales a contented sounding sigh. She stands next to me with an arm around my shoulders as we both shake our heads at the crazy, wonderful, evil little spawn we created together.

"We should probably buy stock," I tell her.

"And product," she adds, as EJ and Vanessa tear into the single serving pudding cup like bears on salmon. "Lots and _lots _of product."


End file.
